Old Wife's Tales

This Friday will be D-Day so far as the due date is concerned for Bambino. Well, almost. We (yes, "we" apparently) told a few white lies to make taking Maternity Leave work in with other things that were going on at the time. This won't be a problem unless Bambino decides it's not coming out to play, because at D-Day plus 12, the good old NHS want to carry out an induction to get things going - only we calculated tonight that that would only be 8 days overdue had we not been so creative with the dates. Oops. We'll cross that bridge if and when we come to it though.

My good lady wife is the sort who signs up to every email alert there is going. I'm not quite sure if it's just so that she gets regular mail in her inbox, or that she is genuinely interested in the various offers and information that come her way? One of the things she gets is a week by week report of the fetal development process so that she (we!) can keep up with what's going on in her uterus. Obviously, we'd prefer to get things going naturally to avoid owning up to telling porkie pies to the midwife (amongst other things), so we paid a bit more attention to the old wife's tales than usual.

Being a normal red blooded man, sex would be my first choice - every time. If it doesn't work, I'm more than happy to pull my weight and try again. It's hard work, but someone has got to do it, right?
So, as we were reading this list tonight (the one apparently written by women, for women it seems), I was forced to ask why sex always seems to be at the bottom of the list. It's like, try all of this crap first and if all else fails, let him help! I mean walking. What the hell is that all about? If you have more fun walking than shagging, then you seriously need to question your own sex life. Castor oil...eating pineapple......raspberry leaf tea??? Ahh, nipple stimulation....now we're talking, and that can lead to the sex. Two birds, one stone and all that. You know it makes sense.

I was somewhat disappointed that sex was bottom of our particular list. I thought I'd have a look and see if all the lists were the same (just to prove a childish point) and I stumbled across this little gem on www.babycentre.co.uk. This is the bit they don't send in email updates, just in case dad is reading too I think!

"At this stage in your pregnancy sex is easier said than done. Try spoons, with your partner entering from behind or use the bed as a prop: your bulge isn't an obstacle if you lie on your back at the side or foot of the bed with your knees bent, and your bottom and feet perched at the edge of the mattress. Your partner can either kneel or stand in front of you. Alternatively, giving your partner oral sex may work better. It is thought that prostaglandins are absorbed more efficiently through the gut than through the vagina. (Note: you may prefer to keep this piece of information to yourself.)"

Needless to say, I couldn't give a hoot about proving my point on the way various lists are made now. That one paragraph is all I need to know. So that's it. I'm putting my foot down. The next time I hear "I WANT IT OUT!" I shall be sure to request that she gets her gums around my plums.

The Childbirth Song

Mum's perspective my thinks.....

There's been no movement on the bambino front. In fact, I'm moved to question if we're cut out for 2 kids under 2 years old (even if just for a month or so). SS is here this weekend, and whilst yesterday was good fun and spent outside, today my head hurts from kids shouting all morning. Any parent who endures the whole summer holidays with kids who have not learned to talk (as opposed to shout) has my greatest respect.

Mixing part time dad and full time dad has been amusing. SS brings with her the tongue of a 5 year old, the kind that can fill any silence. I learned that the gift we sent over for her birthday 3 weeks ago is still boxed as "mum is skint" and can't afford batteries. A year or two ago, this would have wound me up, but now I find it quite amusing. It's easier to send over batteries (which perhaps I should have thought about previously - Doh!) than to get angry. I'm willing to bet my left testicle that if that same gift had come from the other side of the family though that it would be well used by now. Ho hum.....

On the bright side, we (those who are not pregnant) all went out cycling yesterday to give MPLST a deserved lie in. Rural living has it's advantages. You can use roads and the few cars you do come across are very understanding of wobbly 5 year olds. We managed to cycle "all the way to the sheep" which puts a new perspective on distance for me too.

Never Mind the Atkin's

Baby stress! That's the answer to all your weight loss problems. Honest, it's tried and tested, and if Dr. Atkins can make money by telling fat people they can get thin, why can't I? When I say thin, I mean thinner of course, since it's all relative (that's why I always stand next to obese people wherever possible!)
It's common knowledge that BFS is partial to all kinds of bad food, especially chocolate, jelly sweets and biscuits. In fact I visited my mother yesterday and what did she have for me? A packet of Flumps (marshmallow types sweets to the uneducated amongst you). I'm 34 years old! It's like visiting your granny when you were 7........but who am I to complain? Whilst I always endeavor to balance my food intake with more healthy foods (these are the ones I believe that really make you fat, cos they obviously add unnecessary calories), I'm not one for dieting. It's what size 10 women do. Or 50 something men. Occasionally teenage girls too, but only the really skinny ones! In fact, I've noticed the only people who don't do it are truly the people who should be bloody doing it.
Without making a conscious effort to lose weight, BFS has dropped a stone in the last month. I've been at the gym less than ever. I've still binged on the sweets occasionally, though admittedly not as badly as usual - but when I binge I must finish whatever it is that I open, so it really is calorie-tastic.
So the answer must lie in the baby stress. My kilt now fits me back in the buckles that I fastened the day I got married. This was a pleasant surprise for the wedding we were at the other day, as the last time the kilt came out, I resembled 10 pounds of shite squashed into a 5 pound bag. My jeans are falling off my backside, so I look about 24 from the back too. Add to that, I am normally stood next to MPLST who is growing by the day, I can't help but look slimmer than ever.
So Fat Boy's everywhere. Get on the job, get a bun in the oven. Right about month 8, put yourself somewhere where you've got no option but to worry your wee hearts out, and the pounds will just fall off. It's an eat all you like, no exercise, fail safe plan. Mrs BFS might be in the club again before she knows it.....

Guinness and Red Wine - One of Each!

That's it! That's all I've got to show for 2 child free nights out in the last 3 days cos this bloody baby won't make an appearance. As I'm on driver duty, I must remain technically sober for the next.....I dread to think how long. Sat night was one of our friends 30th birthday parties, and a good party it was too. We chose not to dress up as per the 80's theme of the other guests - just in case labour came on then. I imagine the midwife's at the local maternity unit would have had a good laugh at us had we arrived in some bad 80's outfits? Yesterday was spent at a wedding, which was a very good day out, but my "treat" was a glass of red wine with dinner. We were rather hoping that baby might make an appearance just after dessert for a number of reasons, one being that BB was already at my mothers. Obviously, we'd both be fed and watered too making a stint in hospital that bit more bearable. The wedding venue was 10 mins from the hospital too, which using my German prototype efficiency model, would be the best option. But alas, I think our baby knows it is not German. I'm not sure the kilt would have proved all that practical in the maternity ward either though?

Our midwife also called to have us visit the hospital for a needless appointment. Nevertheless, it provided the opportunity for yet another doc to prod at my wife's bump. As usual, everything is ok and all the discussion surrounds things that can possibly go wrong. Cheery places are ante natal clinics! MPLST still has 10 days or so until due date, and there seems to be a panic about how to induce her should she go over (this because of the previous C Section, and induction following one of those bad boys opens an even bigger can of worms). They could at least give us until D Day has come and gone. Oddly enough, the nurse who measured her blood pressure today was ex forces, and praised the Germans for their relaxed attitude to all of this. 3 weeks over due date is common over there. 3 weeks late sounds about right by MPLST's standards, maybe we should move to Germany?

Things You Shouldn't...

...teach a toddler to do. Especially when you have a very pregnant, tired and irritable wife in close proximity.
Harking back to my days of youth, I was singing one of the old football songs. When I say old, I was singing this in stadiums before the were all seated. The good old days, standing room only and less than a tenner for a World Cup Qualifier. My kids will never experience that come to think of it. What a shame.
Anyways, forget the trip down Memory Lane. Here's how it goes:
He's fat, he's round
He's worth a million pound
(I think this may have been in reference to Gazza once upon a time, but I think these days Wayne Rooney might hear it occasionally)
Now, even though you can't get much for a million pounds in terms of players at todays market price, you can at least teach your toddler to shout DAD-DEEEEEEE when you finish the lines.

That bit is fine. You won't get in trouble for it (Disclaimer: I think!) You could even score brownie points by teaching them to shout MUM-MEEEEEE at the end, of course changing the He to She, but you surely must have worked that out yourself.
I played on words a little too much though.
She's fat, she's round
She bounces on the ground
"MUM-MEEEEEE" comes the deafening roar from the back seat of the car.

Please. For your own safety and well being. DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME!