It's a dads life

Football or Comedy?

2012-01-08T19:51:00.006Z

Must take more photos. I picked up a photography handbook I bought for MPLST a few years back yesterday in a bid to try and match my somewhat limited capability with my rather inflated ambition. I took that one up there this morning from the garden. Nae three bad, even if I am blawing ma' ain trumpet!

Anyhoos, back to stories which will humiliate my kids on their 18ths and beyond. We went away over New Year to a little cottage on the Isle of Skye and had ourselves a very quiet New Year together. On New Years morning, the eldest two boys and I were up, fed and settled on the sofa in time to watch the repeat of Match of the Day from the previous evening (which was on far too late for an old git like me - Hogmany or not!)

I was acutely aware of big boy (perhaps not the best way to describe him given the circumstances) having his hand down the front of his PJ bottoms fiddling with his willy. He continued until he'd worked himself up his first boner of 2012.

Next I hear "Oscar, Oscar, look how long my willy is!" as I glance to my left to find he has pulled his jammy bottoms down and is rather proudly holding his willy in his hand so his brother can check for himself. They were agreed, big boy was in fact, a Big Boy.

Not wanting to spoil their fun, I left them to it - eyes front watching the footy with a wry smile. Next I hear "Reuben. Look! My willy is smaller than yours!" Eyes left again, to see my second son now copying his elder brother and displaying himself in much the same way.

Giggling away to myself, I continued to focus on the BBC in the way that any irresponsible father would. I couldn't keep a straight face though, when they decided, with their PJ bottoms around their respective knees, that they needed to actually contort their legs together such that one boys willy was right next to the others and a fair and accurate assessment of who had the longer tadger could be conducted. "Get it right over here, get that bit next to this bit........"

Obviously, you really had to be there. It tickled me though.

Here's a cheeky picture of "Small Boy" taken when we were away.

Santa Isn't Coming This Year

2011-12-20T23:50:00.000Z

The gaps between blogs are getting bigger. The gaps between witty blogs even bigger again. It's got to the point that I'm getting emails (ok, email singular) asking me if the blog is still going.

Of course it is. I've just got nothing to say. I could whine about how busy we've been, how we've had no time in the run up to Xmas, or how I am stuck on this lump of steel until the 27th but I'm not going to. Aside from the last point, we've got the same hassles as every other family out there.

I might just whinge about my daughter (or rather my ex wife!) and that damn DS. Her mother forbid her to bring it to my house all year in case her little brothers broke it (which was fine by me), but then decided to let her bring it on the two visits before Christmas. The outcome of this you can get in detail from the wife's blog in detail, but to get you in the picture, R changed his Santa wishlist only a few days ago. After Santa has done his shopping. Rumour has it that SS was heard telling her brother to "just ask for one, you can get it in whatever colour you like." Who am I to spoil Xmas for a little boy who seldom asks for anything.......?

Or I could tell you that I was a pratt of the highest order. The storms had forced a tree over in our garden a few months back. I decided (eventually, as my Mrs like to remind me) to cut it down and dig the root out. I spent nearly a whole day grafting my backside off - no mean feat for a self confessed desk jockey now - but couldn't quite shift the last bit of the root. Ahh ha says me, I'll get the truck and a tow rope and full the fecker out.

I got myself organsied. In a rather manly kind of way, with my jeans hanging off my arse, I lifted said root from every direction to make sure all the big roots were broken. It was just a tad heavy for me on my lonesome. I got the truck into position, got the rope around the root, connected it all together and gave it some welly.

MPLST at this point (she never tires of reminding me of this bit) says what's that smell? It'll be nothing I assure her, just give it a bit more. Mmm, this root is more stubborn than I thought. Give it more. And more........oops, no grips. Shit! Ahh, there's a big root right underneath I've missed says me.

A few days later the clutch dies and the truck is useless. Into the garage she goes.

Here's the lesson now (if you've not gotten bored yet). When I called home yesterday, I was told the truck was fixed, and asked how much I was budgeting for the bill. I was hoping for change out of £500 say me rather hopefully. I had a sneaky suspicion I was being somewhat ambitious judging by her smug "I told you so" attitude.......

Double it and add some, says the wife. And closely follows this with a bout of I Told You So about the burning smell.

Good bloody job Santa's elves can make a DS I tell you. Good job I'm out here for all the Christmas nights out too........

Ho ho ho.

Finding That Balance

2011-11-13T19:54:00.004Z

We're still trying (and succeeding to some degree) to fight off the gaming world and it's appeal to our loons. This is their "moderated" PC time, playing on the Cbeebies website - as you can see, R loves it, and even gave up some TV time to have this hour on the PC. O just wants to see what's going on - he staying in this same pose for about an hour overseeing his elder brothers playtime.
Big sis came this week with her DS though, and he did try and stash it in his "secret hiding place" when I wasn't looking. We're determined that Santa isn't going down that particular road until Xmas 2012 though....

That was through the week though. We did get a little break in the weather though for a change this weekend, which meant big sister got her first ride on her new bike which has been dormant in my shed since July. Probably just as well though, as she is only just big enough for it. It was rather pleasing to hear her say "we should do this more often, Dad" when we got back up the drive on our return.

Looking back at last years cycling pictures, they've grown some since we did this last too.

Skool Does Actually Suck

2011-11-07T19:24:00.003Z

Remember the days where your own head was full of "school sucks?" I thought I had gotten past all of that, but it turns out, school has a second wind.

A few months ago, I had this great mental image that with the onset of school for the big boy, and nursery for the middle boy, that my days would become a lot more, well easy I guess. How wrong was I?

A the meerkat says, the theory is simples. Instead of having to do one run to nursery, and another 3 miles away to playgroup, we should now be revelling in the simplicity of having nursery and school in the same building. It's fair to say, mornings follow the theory - but then it all goes pear shaped.

When you live in the middle of nowhere, what is one supposed to do for that two and a half hour spell in the morning? Can't go to town. No Xmas shopping. You can barely get a head of steam up in the garden. Then, once you've collected nursery boy, it's a matter of 4 hours until your next appointment at the school gate.

It seems more than ever that we are slaves to the school clock, and that somebody is actually robbing hours from the day. And, it means that I have to do my Christmas shopping at the weekend along with the rest of the world. That's one of the perks of working offshore wasted!

Green Wellies and a Flat Cap

2011-11-06T22:24:00.023Z

Country living has obviously taken it's toll on me - either that or old age is gaining fast? Last night MPLST pointed out that I looked the part of the proper country bumpkin.
We had a good night at the local firework display. It was pretty busy, C wasn't really phased by the fireworks and seemed to watch them rather curiously.
R, rather frustratingly, recalled that last year we were constantly on the move (as we were looking for friends in the crowd). This year, we arrived with said friends, and as it was a very clear and still night, we picked a great vantage point and decided to stick with it. He insisted on dragging mum for a good stroll around whilst I stayed put with C.
O enjoyed the night, but crashed and burned on the way home as is his way. Dad decided to make the most of the pleasant evening and push C home - and still arrived before the blethering wife. Shame she had the house key......

There Was 3 in the Bed

2011-10-31T20:16:00.002Z

SS came to stay last weekend. Here is the scene I was greeted with when I surfaced on Saturday morning.
Suffice to say that they are all still getting on like the proverbial house on fire. It buys me an extra half hour or so in the morning, for which I am very grateful! What happens is BB tends to get up and inform me that it is morning (as if I didn't already know this!) and then creeps off to wake up his siblings. After that, they tend to force big sis to read stories for as long as she can be bothered. Given that she loves mothering them, and they love being mothered.....everybody's happy - until little bellies start to rumble at least.

We went to a Halloween party in the afternoon at Auntie K's, after stopping to show dad just how scary we can be.

Burnt Oot

2011-10-21T18:28:00.002+01:00

This is what you get with a sick boy and a very tired mum.....

A Little Ray of Light

2011-10-05T14:40:00.003+01:00

There has been much joviality about whether or not we'll add to our already significant brood - both at home and at work. Neither friend, nor colleague believe either of us when we say that, yes we think we are done, but no, it's not for certain yet. We're not knee jerkers you see. When we do decide, it will be for keeps.

Much as I wind MPLST up about visiting the doc, I'm not, and never have been adverse to having another one. But admittedly, if we were to have one, my preference would be to crack on with it. Let's face it, we're no spring chickens in the child bearing sense. Still recovering from the 10lb boy, MPLST is understandably more cautious! And of course, there are practicalities like work, finances and child care to consider too. The reality is that I have arrived at the conclusion before her - but we really are done.

Today, I got the first real sign of that from home. I'm only on day 2 away, and MPLST has sold the baby change station to her friend.

That's Progress!

For The Record...

2011-10-01T20:07:00.002+01:00

He made it 1 week. That's all......7 days before he blew it at school. And when I say blew it, I mean seriously blew it. Not only did he fall out with his class teacher, he then went on to pick a fight with the headmistress.

Needless to say, dad was less than impressed. That night he got no stories, no TV and lost out on a trip to the toyshop to spend his birthday voucher.

Since then, we finished our first term at school on a high, by going 3 full days without upsetting either me or his teachers. Mrs M and I are in collaboration to nip this in the bud, and so far we are making good progress. Hopefully we'll continue this after the tattie picking holidays....

All of this is detracting from keeping tabs on what's really going on around here. The Wee Man is on solids, and the Middle Man generally is the root cause of everything funny around here. Hopefully, we'll get back to some degree of normality soon enough, and the camera will again become king.

A Battle of Wills

2011-09-20T19:50:00.005+01:00

I'm sure it's not the first, and it'll be one in a line of many to come, but BB and dad are on a collision course. Head on!

It seems that he has taken to throwing tantrums at school. I can't stand to be the one who's kid is taking up all the teachers time, and I aim to nip it in the bud before it gets any worse. The annoying thing is, the wee snotterbag has sucked me into more arguments than I should have allowed already. Crikey, at 5 years old, he's pulling the strings in here already......

Oddly, his tempers are short lived, and he often falls back into the angelic little boy we all know and love very quickly. Can't think who else in this house changes mood at the snap of a finger like that ;-) Still, it's not on and it's already getting a regular feature of our discussion with Mrs M at the school gate. The growling and venting are not anything he has witnessed at home, but already I can see he is getting enough attention to keep them going, but I'll be damned if he's getting away with it.

After getting sucked into one row too many, and having used the secret phone line to both Mrs M and Santa, threatened to take away his new toys, even his bike (all of which I know is pointless, because the spoiled little Sir will happily play with something else), we (or rather I) have new plan.

We agreed tonight at bed time that I shall be asking Mrs M about his behaviour. I should mention he had already lost his story tonight for being cheeky to dad. Bedtime stories seem a fair trade at the moment, so here's plan K, or is it L? I'll be finding out if he has been rude/cheeky/aggressive/angry/sulky/pick your own adjective and insert, to any adults at school, and if so, he loses his bedtime story. If, on the other hand, he is good....all day, every day, then he can have two. This is an easy threat to follow through on, and whether you consider it good or bad parenting, I'm hoping it's effective parenting.

Until he learns, adapts and overcomes......

Wish You Weren't Here....

2011-09-15T19:24:00.006+01:00

Today is BB's 5th birthday. I'm not one to be sentimental, I normally leave that side of things to Domestic Management. Today though, my mind has been cast back to that day 5 years ago sitting in what seemed like an ancient replica of a 1950's operating theatre, for which both Mrs W and I were ill prepared for.

We were pretty confident that all would be well. We (she) did all the right things through the pregnancy. I forced her to eat her greens. She didn't drink - not a drop, and she was active all the way through. It seemed to work too, we later had a chunky, but healthy boy who wasn't a kick in the backside off 9lbs. What we didn't even think once about, was BB coming out the sunroof.

After that long (so very long ) labour, after which the lazy mare could actually be arsed to give birth naturally, we got split up for what seemed like an eternity as she was prepared for the op. I remember being stuck in horribly bare locker room, with oversized cast iron radiators and pipes run over the walls. It was after 4 in the morning, and we'd been there for about 22 hrs. I was pooped, I kept dropping off as I waited on my own, then waking up with a start, thinking, that they would start without me. Eventually though, they came and got me.

That would prove to be the least gory child birth I'd ever witness. Other than catching MPLST's vomit, and being just a tiny bit concerned when they rattled (the lovely midwife had warned us there would be 3 sharp "tugs" as she put it") BB out of there, I saw my boy being carried upside down across the theatre by the ankle to the scales.

In those 5 years, we've squeezed in another couple of much more gruesome childbirth experiences. I'll leave those for another day... What we do have is a boy we can be proud of, he's not perfect, in fact, at times, he is a complete and utter little so and so. When he's good, which is most of the time, he is gentle, kind and very forgiving. He can't have got that from me. When he's not so good, he's stubborn, feisty and unreasonable in the extreme - but I guess he's allowed, he is only 5 for goodness sake. Incidentally, I got those traits from my mother, so it's all her fault.....

I guess we can be proud of what we've managed in those 5 years too. I read this article last night

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-14899148 called Children Need Time Not Stuff. It pretty much fits in with our philosophy. We're far from perfect, if I'm honest, they do have a lot of stuff too. But what they have all had, is either mum or dad, nearly all of the time. That's quite a mind shift from where we were 5 and a half years ago, when I can remember trawling through childminder reports, and visiting nurseries. I think it's the single best decision we have ever made (apart from pro creation in the first place ;-)

I've missed BB's birthday today because I am at work. Would you believe that it's the only day in a 4 year cycle where we actually plan to test everything, and I mean everything (even the batteries to the telecoms) trip on demand. The result, is that I managed to only speak to BB for about 30 secs this morning, but I did hear the excitement in his voice. Work is generally not that bad a place to be, but today has been slow.....despite being one of the busiest days I'm meant to have here.

Happy Birthday Son. I wish I was home so we could ride our bikes together today. x

Whaur's the Burds?

2011-09-05T19:40:00.007+01:00

This one's not so much about the kids. I finally cashed in a voucher received last Chrimbo from MPLST to get up close and personal with some birds. Before you go thinking she has gone soft, it's the type with wings I'm on about here, and not bingo wings either!

Turned out to be a pretty good day. The big boys didn't seem to phased by the birds of prey, no matter how big their talons. BB did perk up when I explained that the eagle owl was bigger than him across it's wings though. It allowed MPLST to take some pretty cool pics too.

The boys managed a pose when they got home with their sunflowers too. They are just opening up, so not the best yet.....

And after all of that, I got caught having a wee kip whilst on duty. Oops!

The First One's First Day

2011-08-16T21:20:00.008+01:00

August the 16th 2011 was indeed a momentous day in the BFS household. BB started school this morning. He has been looking forward to school with such excitement, that it was never really going to be an issue, but nevertheless, we are glad it went without a hitch. He joined his new classmates (all 4 of them!) for the morning after proudly modeling his new school clothes.

All set, he made his way there under his own steam too. Dad on the other hand struggled with the pedaling....the wee man can shift now!

Meanwhile, back at SH, LL has been tackling the potty for the last couple of days. The way forward is to do it outside, which aside from obviously saving your carpets and floors, also presents good photo opportunities for little bottoms......

I took and edited this one myself. Quite pleased with it - even if I do say so myself.....

I think he was looking for the cat in this one.....this is the post holiday bliss parents love. Whilst BB was at school, LL roamed semi naked in the name of toilet training whilst we had a jam donut and some coffee. Whoever said kids were hard work??

I shouldn't (and couldn't) forget the wee man as well. Whilst all this chaos goes on around him, all he does is drink milk and pose for the camera.

One down...two to go!

Camping Holidays

2011-07-25T20:20:00.012+01:00

Our friends thought we were mad - a camping holiday with three kids under 5. Turned out to be brilliant! On top of that, mum and dad are probably as well rested as we have been since Bambino 3 came along.

For the uninitiated, here's how you do it. One 6 man tent with three 2 man rooms. Two big boys in together, mum and baby in together, and daddy on his own ;-) No Tango Victor, so once kids down to bed, there's time for some reading amongst the baby time, and early to bed for everyone. Simples.

Like the eggs, MPLST's camera got scrambled and we lost the best of our pics. Here's a selection of those rescued from her phone. She didn't come on the boat trip out to the islands, so all the seal and puffin pics are lost forever. There's always next year though......

We visited a castle......people live in this one! I thought the boys would be bored, but they had a great time.

Obviously, big lollies help.....

....and guns too.....

We did a train trip on a fun sized steam train....

Everyone enjoyed it. Even if it did rain from time to time....

....but when it didn't, we roasted marshmallows round the fire. Don't tell social services we used a proper fire ;-)

As usual, LL came along at his own merry pace. Like the train, he gets there eventually.

Dancing Queens. Two of a Kind

2011-06-22T21:44:00.013+01:00

It's great having the house to yourself. I can play blog catch up.....

Last leave, the boys had their dance show. LL lasted well, not bad given start time was his half an hour past his normal bed time. He needed some TLC after the interval, but he enjoyed his outing I think.

As you can see, BB looks like he is enjoying female company. Maybe this dancing lark will work out for him......

Home Alone

2011-06-22T18:11:00.006+01:00

The pressure is on. Mrs BFS has gone to Hampden to watch Blobby and Take That, leaving me holding the baby, and of course, the boys. So far, so good. Then again, let's not count our chickens - she hasn't been gone an hour yet.

The boys are having their fill of daddy time, as I was away til yesterday paying back some of that baby time I had off earlier in the year. I'm only home for 1 week in 4, so it's a bit of a struggle all round. Boys are needing mums attention, but she's busy with baby, they need dads attention, and he's busy with work. Mum and dad need sleep. Sex would be good, but sleep would be better.....

Damn, I'm good. That was 3 hours ago. Since then, I managed to drag the big two away from the TV, brush teeth, read stories and get them to bed. Bambino fought the bottle, but I'm a patient man when that's concerned, he got there eventually, if only half a bottle down his neck. He is also now in bed. Mrs BFS will be home in about 3 hrs I hope, so all is good. Hopefully she'll bring milk with her.

3 Boys a Swimming

2011-06-06T20:03:00.005+01:00

Crikey, it's been a while since I sat down at the PC. I figure that our newest loon making his first trip to the pool merited a mention. He wasn't phased at all either, which made it as stress free as can be. On top of that, we recently joined a local club which means that we don't have to observe the local council rules of one to one adult child ratios. Living life on the edge by todays parenting standards I know!

KMAF Pics

2011-04-22T21:33:00.002+01:00

Klaudia's Marvellous Artistic Foti's.....

Here's some links to pics of us on K's blog. I've only just noticed them. Brilliant!

http://kmafphotographykmaf.blogspot.com/2011/04/and-he-is-herethe-mini-maxi-mr-c-o.html

and

http://kmafphotographykmaf.blogspot.com/2011/03/bump-plus-its-family.html

A Day With Dad - 50's Style

2011-04-19T19:24:00.010+01:00

SS came for the weekend. It's taken me a while to blog about it, but photos of her and the boys are all too rare. We decided to go climb the "mountain" (this at BB's request.) He climbed the same hill 18 months or so ago when mum was in Gabon. This presented the perfect opportunity for mum and baby to get some much needed rest.
It's not much of a hill, but a fair climb for little legs. BB and SS were excited at the bottom.

LL was much less keen! He is less than impressed when the gradient of any walk is slightly elevated. Nevertheless, he made it all under his own steam.

We got to the top. The elder two were still chirpy, but you can see LL still has a bottom lip that presents a fair old trip hazard.

He did come round though. We wondered around the top for a while. It's an old pictish settlement close to where we live. Lots of rocks and stones to clamber over. Fine for a wee rest though.....

After that, we came home and refuelled. Then we kicked off a 5 mile (round trip) bike ride to the park. LL was much more at ease with this since he gets the back seat on my bike.

BB was keen to show his big sister that he can go all the way to the top of the climbing frame. This has been his forte throughout the Easter Holidays.

SS did manage to give him the slip for a brief moment though.

MPLST came along (not on bikes!) to join us for a while. No doubt she knew I'd stop for ice cream on the way home. She captured us setting off for home again.

Why??

2011-04-14T20:22:00.003+01:00

How come I can remember nonsense from over 20 years ago such as the quadratic equation, or the table of trig exact values (none of which I have used in that time), but I keep getting the boys names mixed up? It got right up my nose when my mother used to call me by my brothers name when we were lads. In my defense, I've now got 3 born four and a half years apart, whereas she had 2 born 5 years apart. Surely she could have got it right more often? Nevertheless, I keep getting them mixed up - even the little white one. It really can't be that hard, can it?

Pics

2011-04-09T20:56:00.004+01:00

We've had a session or two with the master herself over the last month or so. The best thing about being related to her is that I can sneak around in the background and take my own pics.....

MPLST took this one

BFS the Photographer

2011-04-09T20:28:00.004+01:00

As you'd expect, it's been a manic couple of weeks. There has been so much to blog about, but by the time BB and LL hit the sack, which is normally my surf time, I'm beat myself. It's a shame, because we've missed out so many laughs....

BB's fantastic efforts during his school show. For the opening song, he was centre stage surrounded by the whole school. He belted out the song at the top of his voice just a fraction ahead of everyone else. That's one way to make yourself heard son. How he also decided yesterday in the swimming pool changing room to declare "Daddy, your willy is quite hairy!" followed by a casual observation at grandma last night that her "chest is quite big." I'm sure there are other things, but right now they all escape me. In fact, I've lost my train of thought at least 4 times since I started this attending to our newest and noisiest boy. The long and the short of the last two weeks is all good though. BB has been incredible since his brother was born. He really can't do enough to help, and for once, hasn't put a foot wrong. LL, after a troubled start, has followed his big brother's lead and is also adapting well to being a middle brother. For my part, tonight I decided to have a go at editing a picture I took myself. Quite pleased with the results, even if I do say so myself......

Here He Is

2011-03-28T23:03:00.002+01:00

Obviously, I'm biased........but isn't he a smasher? But based on how often my voice has been raised this afternoon, I should not be blogging right now. For the wellbeing of the other 2 boys, I should be catching zeds whilst I can. The Wee Man has already had his first bash on the head from LL, who wasn't being nasty at all, I suppose you could say he was just being two. To be expected really.

The Rotavator

2011-03-26T20:59:00.003Z

You little beauty, or not so little as the case may be. Our newest, and....I'll say youngest, as littlest is a tad misleading arrived early this morning. A smidge over the 10lb mark, he has essentially rotavated his mothers lady garden just in time for summer. Poor woman. Those who had money on a darker shade are quids in too. I'll wait until his colour settles out, but I think I may need to change their blog identities to Dark, Milk and White for simplicity. Unfortunately, MPLST has the camera and card, so I can't even post a pic. LL was not overly impressed initially at the prospect of sharing his mummy with his younger sibling. It seemed to pass though. We'll see what tomorrow holds. Right now, I need sleep....................

Gie's Peace!

2011-03-18T21:13:00.002Z

We're still not at D Day, but already the constant question "has there been any movement?" is driving me up the bloody wall. By half eleven this morning when I picked up BB from nursery, I think I had been asked something along those lines no fewer than 8 times by 8 different people.

Already I am dreaming up not so witty and sarcastic answers. I mean, really, do people really think that in the last 24 hours since they saw or heard from me that we've popped out another child? On top of that, do they think that I'd not mention the small matter of a new addition at some point in the conversation? It sure beats "fine day today.....better than yesterday......"

To be fair, it's not from close friends and family this time around, they learned their lesson last time around! But at least then MPLST was 2 weeks overdue. This time around it seems to be the local mums. I must work on my cold stare techniques......

And whilst I'm at it.......do people think the world stops spinning when a new baby is coming? The looks we seem to get for daring to leave the house when D Day is so close are startling to say the least. We took the loons swimming today, not exactly an Arctic expedition, and dare I say it, I expect being in a pool made Fatty (as she has become known in SH), a little more comfortable. I did lecture her though so stripping the boiler and trying to repair it earlier though.......

We even that that rare event of a meal without kids last night. I treated MPLST to a belated birthday meal. Could be the last time we get out together for a long time..........

2011-03-02T18:26:00.002Z

We're less than 3 weeks until Due Date. I suppose it's about time we take the thought of a new arrival seriously. Not that we weren't beforehand of course, but experience has taught me that my role for the initial 9 months of fetal development is to perform my role as chief cook and bottle washer on a pretty much full time basis. Actually, come to think of it, it didn't really stop at the birth for wither of the boys. Can't see this one being any different then.

What's to tell? Wife is enormous. In fact, I saw her behind a glass door this morning, and she has the silhouette of Mr Greedy. I jest you not! The other mummies obviously didn't see the funny side. Fortunately, Mrs Greedy did!

Boys are becoming rather excited about the baby coming. Mum (and dad) come to think of it, just want to sleep. All the time.
We had a visit from Big Sis too that passed without a hitch. She too is keen to have another younger sibling to look after.

Whilst we are surrounded by OCD cleanliness freaks, I decided after preparing the veggie patch for spring, it was just the place for twenty little green fingers to play. Nobody died. This of course contravenes the notion that all the equipment at our toddler group needs cleaned yet again because
a) there are a lot of new babies around
b) it's long overdue
c) other Toddler groups appear to be doing it

Do these people not take their kids to the swing park where some dog has probably pee'd on the roundabout just before Precious McSmudgkins goes for a burl?
Rant over.......

The Things You Find.....

2011-03-02T18:19:00.006Z

......when you go looking through the wife's camera. This tickled me......

Get Ready
We're off.....

Nah. Sod it! I think I'll pose for the camera instead.

Miraculous Powers of Recovery

2011-02-05T19:07:00.006Z

You might think I'm being cynical (as if), but bear with me.......

.....you may have read on Porkie's blog that my last two contact visits with SS have been less that straightforward. It seems that her sick cycle is perfectly synchronised with our contact cycle. Amazing that, isn't it?

Two weeks ago, she was apparently sick. Too sick to come to dad's house. At least her mother had the forethought to tell me the day before. All this not withstanding the fact that when I spoke to her, she was bright as a button and told me about her trip to the cinema that very same weekend. Ho hum....

Of course, her mother was never going to agree to an additional weekend. Heaven forbid the lass actually has some QT with her dad. So that takes us right up to this weekend. SS apparently had a headache, and couldn't got to school on Friday. The headache developed in a fever and flu all within the space of 6 hours. That's right, influenza!

Not content with keeping her away because of this mystery illness, my ex didn't think it worthwhile to tell me this before I see off on a 3 hour round trip. Not for the first time, I found my visit cancelled about 20 mins from her front door. I was half expecting this turn of events (she does rather telegraph the pass in football speak), so I took it all in my stride as one does. Let's face it, there's not much you can do when she gets the child to phone and explain why she can't come.

Having got there, and not seen my daughter for 7 weeks, I thought I'd try and see her if even for an hour or two. Alas no, she was too ill. Not to worry says dad, I'll call tomorrow, if she's ok, I'll come and pick her up then. One night is better than no nights, and what's another 120 mile trip between father and daughter.

Imagine my surprise when I get a text telling me she is hunky dory A ok, asking me when am I picking her up! Before 10 am too. Amazing! This tale only gets better from here.....keep reading.

Off I trots, this time not telling BB where I'm going for fear of further disappointment. Out comes SS from her house, skipping merrily to the car, whilst her mother tells me to watch out, that she was sick last night. Oh, she was that much better was she?

In the car SS tells me that she went to youth club this morning. As is normal, a trip to the chippy for lunch came after. "What did you have darling?" asks me in a very interested kind of way. Battered sausage and chips comes the reply. I can only assume she is feeling much better. Washed down with Pepsi too.....

So, in summary, SS has been laid low with a flu bug that has (rather conveniently) cost her another day with dad. But her remarkable powers of recovery have seen her beat it inside 24 hours. Amazing. On top of that, she has polished off a sausage supper less than 12 hours after (allegedly) being up sick. Not to mention the cartwheels at youth club.

She really must be a chip off the old block. Either that, or her mother is a deceitful, lying, manipulating bitch.

You choose.

But all's well that ends well. BB was very pleased to see his sister and greeted her with his biggest bestest bear hug!

Then we got just a wee bit carried away with the rugby.

I Blame Channel 4

2011-01-26T20:35:00.002Z

Potty training abandoned, for the time being at least, it's back to the grind of humiliating the Mrs.....

Not entirely unexpectedly, we're a little blase about pregnancy number 3. Let's face it, we're old hands at this now. What's to get worked up about? MPLST pretty much breezed through the first two pregnancies, though it is fair to say the deliveries themselves were far from simple.

Whilst she was growing BB and LL, it would be fair to say that MPLST was not the complaining type. I recall she laid a carpet in BB's bedroom about 4 days before she gave birth. She never flinched from a days hard graft either (if you can call sitting on your hoop at a desk all day hard graft!)

So why is it all of a sudden on hitting week 30 I find myself trapped in the house with the ultimate Drama Queen? Has the cumulative effect of carrying two bruisers broken her body beyond repair? Or has she lost her supply of Toughen Up pills? Or, is there a more sinister ploy to get her money's worth out of yours truly during this third (and very final) pregnancy?

Personally, I think the answer lies elsewhere. It lies firmly at the door of Channel 4's latest fly on the wall program One Born Every Minute. See, my theory is that having seen all these whining, whinging, moaning groaning melodramatic nut jobs, MPLST has realised that she could really be milking this mum to be stuff a little bit more than she has done in the past.

To illustrate my point, I shared this revelation with her this morning. It must be more than a co-incidence that about 4 hours later I received a call saying she "needed" (midwife's word, not hers) to go to hospital.

And to prove my point, we were sent home about an hour later, and everything was ok!

Operation PT

2011-01-25T18:13:00.002Z

Not quite sure it would have working in Andy Gray's day, but the modern day dad cops for potty training too. That's maybe because my track record was impressive - but I fear I should have quit when I was ahead.

So, as MPLST has said, I banished her and BB for a day to get kicked off. Against our better judgement, this is an attempt at potty training, because a) neither of us are convinced he's good to go but b) he'll probably just be ready when Bambino 3 comes along. Hardly ideal.

So here we are 3 days in. LL is taking the proverbial P out of me. Today I got brave and took him along to the leisure centre whilst BB played footie for a hour. Things were going pretty well, a few toilet checks, no Jimmy Riddles, but hey ho what more can you ask for. Then, 10 mins before the end, he decided to play with a couple of bins. After I told him not to, and explained they were dirty, he promptly howled and pissed his pants on the spot.

The Curse of the Shite Shift

2011-01-16T06:27:00.005Z

Happy New Year! So it's a bit late, but what the hell. I didn't get back from work until the 11th, and since then my broken body refuses to swing back and join the hours everyone else seems to find acceptable.

On the bright side, I suppose I can't complain about not finding time to blog. I thought I had cracked it, sleeping until after 8 yesterday, but alas no, at twenty to three this morning, my body assured me that sleep was no longer required. So what did I do with myself.......?

I did what any ruffy tuffy, self respecting North Sea Tiger would do in such circumstances. I dragged my sorry arse downstairs and baked some cakes. Not just any cakes. No, proper girly cakes. If my boys can mince, then why can't I? (see MPLST's blog, all will become apparent).

The kitchen door creaked open about half 6. It would seem the fact that something was cooking brought MPLST down with an inquisitive smile this morning. Note to self: must bake more often. You see, she doesn't do mornings, and she especially doesn't do mornings with smiles. Oh, and of course there is the growing bump to consider as well. You can work out where it goes from here all by yourself....

So, in she comes, just as I am testing my cakes to find out they are still pretty much raw, and 2 are toppled on the worktop. I have to call it a worktop, because MPLST didn't use the word bunker when she was a quine (bloody Tuechters!) It seems the moment was funny, for her at least, as she toddled back up to bed, no doubt to fall straight back to sleep (bitch!) again.

I probably need to work on those decorating skills, but I bet the boys will love them anyways....

Who Needs Gadgets?

2010-12-27T20:29:00.005Z

There can't be many aspiring workmen who go to work in their pyjamas. Maybe LL will set a trend?

Chrimbo has come and gone, fortunately I have been at home. I'm off back to work tomorrow morning. As expected, with two young loons, and a heavily pregnant other half, it was a quiet one. The boys had a great time though - lots of age appropriate gifts.....I've got a bee in my bonnet about 3 year olds getting Nintendo DS's, and 5 year olds getting laptops. Enough of that though......our boys got what we consider to be just right. Aside from a few disputes over who is playing with what, everything has gone just about right. I even got spoiled a bit myself......

Mummy's Beautiful.....Or Maybe Not??

2010-12-16T19:09:00.007Z

I had an interesting chat with BB today on the way home from nursery. One of those ones from way over in left field, that you don't see coming. It went like this:

BB: Daddy. Why do you love mummy?

BFS: Pardon? (Not the buying time kind of pardon, but the come again mister kind)

BB: Why do you love mummy?

So in the following three nanoseconds, all the totally inappropriate answers crossed my mind. It's not like a 4 year old will understand that she's a chef in the kitchen and a tart in the bedroom now, is it?

BFS: Because mummy is beautiful. And kind. And generous.....I was leading to somewhere near perfect for the record.

BB (laughing): Don't be silly daddy. Mummy is not beautiful.

BFS (this should be interesting!): You don't think mummy is beautiful? Tell daddy who you do think is beautiful then?

BB: You daddy. You're the only one that is beautiful. (Spoken in the best Weegie are you for real dip shit tone - think Chewin the Fat)

Can he really be that manipulative 9 days before Christmas at 4 years of age???

I maintain that she scrubs up nae bad myself.

It Snow Fair

2010-11-25T21:21:00.002Z

It seems a while since LL had his little drama queen episode. All has been well on that front thankfully, so much so in fact that MPLST and I managed a child free weekend away to celebrate our 5th anniversary. Did we feel guilty? That'll be shining bright......

We took advantage of the early snow today and headed to the park with our sledges. I'd like to think that I'm picking up a thing or two about this photography nonsense. This was as good as it got though, as LL got a face full of snow on his first run and refused to go again. BB on the other hand, could get enough of it and would have stayed all day given the chance.

Nee Naw Nee Naw

2010-10-28T10:09:00.004+01:00

It's a sorry situation when the only time you have to blog is because the kids are ill! I'm supposed to be working, but LL had a wee scare at the beginning of the week. Actually, that's not strictly true, his mother had the scare - he just had a good dose of feeling sorry for himself-itis.

Even by mum's standards though, she excelled herself this time. (I do feel that the 3 days since have provided enough time for me to ridicule her now obviously). After a brief visit to the doc, they ended up leaving in an ambulance to a hospital some 40 miles away. In typical scatter brain fashion, MPLST had no money and no phone.

Here's what amazed me in hospital though. There is a woman whose soul job appears to be to amuse children. Crikey! I thought we were facing the toughest cutbacks in about 19 generations here.....and here "Heather" is carving pumpkins for kids in the children's ward. Evidently, she isn't that good at reading kids either. As they tried to give LL his drugs through a nebuliser, he was of course fighting them with every ounce of his not quite 3 stone frame. And her answer every time waving one toy in front of him failed......well, it appeared to be to wave yet another toy in front of him. After about 6, I thought the pattern may have become evident to her. But no, it took some sarcastic remark about adopting the Romanian approach for her to twig. Other than that though, I have to admit, the good old NHS were pretty bloody good.

LL is fighting fit now though. MPLST has managed to squeeze in some rest. I'll be heading back to work to finish my trip, and then we can look forward to Bambino's 20 week scan on Tuesday. Hopefully she has been blissfully unaware of all the stress mum has been under.

Better Late Than Never...

2010-10-27T18:23:00.002+01:00

A scrapbook design by Smilebox

Hats Off

2010-10-05T21:03:00.003+01:00

or not as the case may be.....

Mission Accomplished

2010-09-15T20:21:00.003+01:00

That was taken first thing this morning (shoes allowed this one time as it was wet). Boyo seems delighted.
Save for a little bit of landscaping, it's done. We even managed to hold the surprise until this morning too.
He's been out a few times since. How long until the novelty wears off?

Positively Positive

2010-09-07T20:11:00.003+01:00

Seven years to the day since I first become a dad, MPLST sent me that pic at work. We've kept that under our collective hats since then. We should have a giggle along the way through this latest (not to mention last!) bash at babymaking. This blog kicked off not long before LL was born, so most of the madness between my ears was missed.

This will be number 3 for "us" and number 4 for "me" and I reserve the right to chop and change that reference as my mood dictates. Yes, we are chuffed. Yes, he or she was planned. We have no real preference to what flavour this baby will be, we wish only that he (not she!) is healthy. I prefer "he" to "it" and I'm not about to spend the next 6 months quoting "he or she" every time "he" is mentioned!

Operation Tramp

2010-09-07T19:40:00.005+01:00

We've committed the cardinal sin of parenting by applying ourselves not so equally to our boys birthdays. Whereas LL's was almost upon us, even before we'd remembered to buy the poor wee mite a card (whilst completely forgetting to take BB to get his brother a card!), the stops are being well and truly pulled for the big'un.

So here's the problem: We have a trampoline (which incidentally takes loads up to 22 stone, so even MPLST can bounce on it) for his birthday, but want to a) keep it as a surprise whilst b) digging a pit and erecting it. Not only that, but c) the bloody playframe, which weighs well over half a ton is parked on the optimum spot.

Here's the solution, or at least part of it.....use and abuse your friends, relatives and drop hints to toddler group mummies who will then readily volunteer their husbands. The plan was to part break the playframe, then carry......yes carry, it to it's new home at theother end of the garden. On arrival, not a single one of them thought it was do-able! Done in 40 mins though.....we're not very bright, but we can lift heavy things.

There was no way were were dismantling that. It took MPLST and I about 19 hours to build over 3 days, with the same two little lumps clambering all over it, just like that. So well done us.

Part two was to get a man with a digger. Really, I wanted to do this myself, but common sense prevailed. BB thinks the drains are leaking and we need to fix them, hence the big hole.

You've got to love the innocence of children. He thinks that the frame is part of the structure to keep the hole whole so to speak. We've got a week to finish this without him suspecting it's a trampoline. Should be interesting, especially as MPLST is away offshore for half of the remaining time. No pressure then dad!

The Lost and The Forgotten

2010-09-01T20:11:00.005+01:00

Poor Little Lad's second birthday has come and gone without so much as a blog entry. No balloons or streamers either. Instead, all he got was a boring Sunday roast where we were joined by his grandparents. Probably not quite what he would have wished for, but then again he was 2. At 2 I've learned that boys like opening presents, then playing with them. They really couldn't care what day their pals came round to play because life at 2 really isn't all that complicated.

BB will be 4 in a couple of weeks. And he is much more party aware, so we will have to pull our fingers out for that. Indeed, he is so aware, that as soon as he gets to one, he's looking for his party bag, but that's another story. Back to Little Lad's big day - he was pretty impressed with his cake

The only part I played that cake was the eating.

Whilst checking through MPLST's camera, I did find two other pics that amused me somewhat. One sums up bossy boots in a nutshell. The other seems to have captured BB in a not so rare moment of public nudity.....

A Chip Off The Old Block?

2010-08-26T22:13:00.005+01:00

When I was a loon, I had a reputation for sticking my tongue out when I was concentrating. I never made it past a dozen or so without someone telling me to put my tongue in. I've noticed BB is developing the same trait....

He's playing with his special reward which he earned by staying in bed 14 out of the 15 nights I was at work. And because I am a tired grumpy sod, he's under no disillusion that if he reverts to type, he'll lose it just as quickly.

But for now, he and his brother are muchos contented.

Who Needs a DS?

2010-08-19T00:17:00.011+01:00

Whilst the rest of civilisation contemplates the merits of no touch soap dispensers versus the oh so germ ridden ones that have served us so well for a generation, we got filthy on a full blown weekend away camping with the three kids.

As you can see, you don't need a TV, the kids appear to been happy watching the trees - though I think the attraction might just have been their own fun sized chairs. Oddly, we managed without a soap that kills 99.9% of all known bacteria too. I may have to write to a science journal to explain just how we did that.

What toys did we take on this adventure? A Frisbee and a rugby ball. BB loves "tackling" (we're not allowed to call it rugby), and he's already learned that the bigger they are, the harder they fall.

It was almost a trip back to a more simple time. All they needed were wellies. Even they got left outside the tent. It's much more fun to grind that mud right into your socks you see.

I took my own Free Range approach a step further too. The loo block was on the other side of the campsite. After a few trips back and fore on day one, BB was allowed to go there with his big sister and have a little explore on the way back. Apart from the caveat of "don't fall in the pond and don't go out that big gate", there were no rules. I think their favorite bit was the special camping hot chocolate - a cunning ploy to let LL get to sleep on our parts, but oh how kids love melting bars of chocolate into milk on a camping stove.

LL just loved his chair though.....

Big Boys Toys

2010-08-04T20:04:00.002+01:00

We had an opportune ride in a digger today, so no pics. Not quite sure who was most made up, BB or dad!

The bloke next door is having his drive done, so the mini digger was out doing the prep work. BB was keen to park his arse on the grass and watch the men working. At smoke break, the man offered BB a ride, but BB played shy. Result my son, because the man then told me to take him in.

Being the shy type myself, I went through the motions of showing BB the controls before getting out again. Clearly the man was not content with this and lectured me about not even starting it for the wee man. He offered to take boyo again when the cancer stick was done - but BB was making sure dad got in on the action....

So, in we goes. Both of us! Engine on, swinging the bucket round, in and out, up and down. Then off up and down the drive. I want one!

Garden Fun

2010-07-30T20:29:00.005+01:00

I came home on Tuesday to find the paddling pool and water slide out in the garden. Despite it being a distinctly average day, the boys appeared to be having a great time. Not sure LL knows quite what the bucket is for though.

He was also sharp to show me his new found climbing skills. Talk about fearless....

Since then, we're having a bit of a lazy week. Great Grandma A has come to stay for a few days. BB has got her wrapped around his little finger and is getting about 50 stories each day read to him on demand. Who'd have thought that Great Grandma's were the secret weapon to combat school holiday fatigue?

Lower Than a Snake's Belly

2010-07-17T20:06:00.000+01:00

My blog is a happy place. It is a place where I can escape to and find some humour when I need reminding that oil rigs, mortgages and credit card bills are not the be all and end all of my life. Today though, I shall resort to having a right good bitch about my daughter's mother. I call her FF - that's Fitba' Face. And how I'd like to drop kick that right now......

Because I try and hide the misery that is my ex wife, I'll have to paint a wee picture here for the uninitiated amongst you. We don't talk much. I turn up, say yes ma'am, no ma'am, 3 bags full ma'am and then leave with SS. No hassle, no confrontation and everyone is happy. Actually, SS is happy. Her mother is eternally miserable, and the very sight of her has been known to drag me down to that level. We share no information and have nothing else in common. Great parenting, huh!

SS was being a wee shite last week apparently only to be dressed down with a "if you don't calm down and behave, you'll go to your dad's!" So I'm a punishment now....is it really any wonder that things are the way they are???
Still, I'll say nowt. I never do. It's doesn't do much for ones masculinity, but mother and toddlers has already cost me lots of that anyways....

The Dancing Queens

2010-07-08T17:41:00.016+01:00

Ok, so it's been a while since either of us blogged. Along with all the usual goings on around here, there is also the small matter of a tournament in South Africa which rather conveniently shows evening games just after the bed time routine. And when there is no football on the box, the garden still needs done......

For our part, we have tried to spend this 3 week period where we are both at home to do some mutual parenting. BB was getting the impression that as soon as one of us came home, the other one had to go to work. To that end, we have both spent lots of time with the boys at the park and in the garden.

BB is starting to idolise his big brother somewhat. They are forming their very own truck and trailer partnership. BB seems to be enjoying the dance lessons.....

Now you'll see what I mean......

It doesn't end there though..... Here's BB enjoying the big boys toys at the park

Not to be out done though, LL wants a turn.

Mum's even had a go at making us all look handsome in the pics

We managed our first night camping together too, albeit in the complete non wilderness of my mother's back garden. Kids had a great time. Apparently you can't get kids not to bounce on an air bed though. I set about building our tent

Kids decide they had better try out their bed

Crikey, it's massive. Bigger than my first flat!

Oh, and she's my cousin, not my sister. Honest!

Hurry Home Mummy!

2010-06-23T21:26:00.003+01:00

It seems that BB fancies his chances in the argument stakes. Whilst he has mostly been an all round good egg whilst stuck with dad all week, it seems that every day at one point on another he shows his stubborn streak (the one he obviously gets from his mother).

Recent conversations have gone along the lines of "BB, please do this or that....." only for him to reply "No Daddy, I won't! You should let people do what they want to do." The cheeky wee shite even threatened not to eat his snack yesterday after being dissatisfied with chicken being offered for dinner. "I will not eat my snack if you make chicken for dinner" he declared......clearly he has much to learn in the art of striking a deal. For the record, he ate both the snack and the chicken.....and no children were harmed in the scoffing of these meals!

So far, the only reason I appear to be winning our little argument is by virtue of the fact I am even more stubborn coupled with the fact that I have taken away bedtime stories more than once this week. We seem to be making progress, but I think secretly we'd both rather have mum home as it's getting somewhat tiresome for both of us.

Speaking of storytelling, LL had me all to himself this afternoon whilst BB went to one of his friends house for lunch. He revelled in the one to one attention and seems to be developing his brother's appetite for books as we sat on the sofa and read one after the other for half an hour or so.

Mum is stuck in a foggy North Sea yet again - what are the odds?? In the last 7 years I have not done an additional night offshore because of weather, yet she has got stuck twice in the last few months.

Single Parenting

2010-06-21T21:26:00.005+01:00

As we continue to operate primarily as two individual single parents, I thought I had best post a pic or two of todays trip. We ventured to the paddling area at the local each, before heading back to BB's favourite farm for a picnic with his nursery mates.

Fantastic weather, worn out kids. Thought I'd best share with MPLST who is on a rig with crap phone and internet facilities. Hopefully she will see these though.

Sports Day Photo's

2010-06-17T22:41:00.000+01:00

This photo slideshow created with Smilebox

The Handover

2010-06-17T19:24:00.007+01:00

Parenting is getting a bit like work these days. I think we'd be better having a Microsoft word handover than a verbal one too, then at least I'd be able to find things MPLST has taken upon herself to move (the extension lead comes to mind).

Speaking of the handover - I've got a gripe. It's not a new one, well, at least not to MPLST. Being a hands on dad of the times, I have taken it upon myself to bin the girlie change bag we used when BB was a baby in favour of something you might call, half way trendy in a sort of mid life crisis kind of way. You know, the kind of bag that a man nearer 40 than 30 would use, that 10 years ago he would not have contemplated carrying, even in the middle of the night in a strange faraway land for fear of being seen looking somewhat gay.

And being a rather anal sort of fella, I like my man bag to be organised and tidy. This is somewhat difficult to achieve when one's choice in bag appears to be acceptable for the woman in one's life (which in itself should have all the alarm bells ringing from my perspective) to use when he's not around. I now find myself having to give it a thorough inspection before heading out. And just as well I did too. As if I don't look suspect enough in my muckle frame carrying a bag that my wife does, I have removed such goodies as tampons and "daily hair repair cream". The mind boggles as to what people would think should such articles fall from ones man bag at the wrong time.

All is sorted now though. I now have a spare change of clothes that actually fit LL in there, some nappies, wipes and not bloody tampons.

Whilst I'm sharing embarrassing stories - here's another for you to giggle at. On Wednesday morning, I met a new mum at the toddler group. On Thursday, we just happened to be in the same place at a local farm play area come coffee house. She found out that the locks don't work properly in the portacabin loos there, and in a way neither of us is likely to forget soon. As she burst in to the unisex WC, we both found out my lock was buggered as she opened the door to find my taking a dump.

Poor lass.

Eejit!

2010-06-10T23:49:00.003+01:00

It would appear that the North Sea doesn't have the monopoly on morons. Have a read of this article.....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/glasgow_and_west/10285707.stm

Not being the type to jump on the sexual hysteria bandwagon, I can accept that this stupid bugger (oops, probably could have used a better word there) was not acting in a sexually perverse way.

That said, what he did was surely beyond neglect? It really winds me up when journalists harass social workers to the point of putting them on the dole when a case goes wrong, and yet morons like this actually go unpunished.

Rant over.

Chicken Casserole

2010-05-29T18:32:00.007+01:00

In the interests of clarity, I should point out that last nights blog was written with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek. I did receive a message or two this morning from concerned friends thinking it was all going down the swanny. Seems someone might even have been keeping a place for me at their kitchen table just to make sure I don't go hungry. It'll serve MPLST well to know that I'm obviously being looked after!

Anyway, today was far less stressful a day. Only 2 boys to look after and no wife. BB had his last dance class before next weeks show. Shame I'll miss it - I won't miss the looks from all the other dad's that say "Why are you torturing that poor little boy?"

After listening to a chorus of "soup is not my favourite" all the way home (having explained soup was indeed what we were having for lunch), BB proceeded to demolish it. At one point, he was simultaneously scoffing it whilst telling me it was too hot and he couldn't eat it. And you lot think I'm confused.......

On the way to the park this afternoon, we noticed that the farm around the corner was having an Aberdeen Angus Open Day. Having noticed an ice cream van, I figured we'd give that a go. Turns out it was more of a farmer's do, where they were bidding on bovine beasts or buying cattle feed and agricultural machinery. Still we saw big coos and wee coos, so boys were happy.

Thereafter, decided to do park before ice cream. You will note that the messy wee buggers were left to sit on the sill of the car until their ice cream was finished. All they cared about was the ice cream though. Happiness continued.

BB and I planted the sweetcorn in the greenhouse this afternoon, then admired all our seedlings from last weeks planting. Beetroot, lettuce, peas and carrots have all made an appearance. He seems impressed, but will he eat them? We'll see.

I'm having another fun Saturday night in with Ant n Dec tonight. Roll on lunch time tomorrow when we become four again. I swear that I do firmly believe all the tosh about spending quality time with one's kids, but when one is under the weather and kids are ill, it's not all it's cracked up to be!

Wham, Bam, Thank You.......Man???

2010-05-28T21:26:00.006+01:00

Once upon a time, perhaps when I was under the illusion that I was a young stallion of a man, I may have lived by the motto Love Them and Leave Them. I really didn't expect to get loved and left as an (allegedly!!) happily married man. It seems that is indeed what has happened.

After being away to work for a week of my 2 week leave, MPLST arrived home late last night only to turn our house upside down and inside out before buggering off again (another hen weekend) this afternoon. In those twenty hours or so she single handedly created more mayhem around the house than 2 (yes two) kids with a combined age of 4 managed in a whole bloody week!!

From where I'm sitting, it would seem that her sole reasons for coming home were to
1. Get some BFS lovin'
2. Grab clean clothes and leave me the washing
3. Bake some cakes for said hen do.
4. Finish making T shirts, again for hen do.

I'd probably not be too bothered about it, had say, number 1 on the list reflected itself as her number 1 priority. The brutal reality for the modern stay at home mug, sorry I mean dad, is that it was exactly the reverse of that order above. And I'm pretty sure number 1 is only in there to keep me sweet!

To rub salt in my already bleeding wounds, I got up this morning to find the mug of tea I made her whilst she was hard at it last night untouched. Oh, and that was along with each and every thing she had used covering the very space I need to feed the kids breakfast this morning. So essentially, I think I am whoring myself out to MPLST now. It seems that in return for a token hump, I will clean up at her arse and look after the kids. Not a bad deal if you can get it ladies.

It's probably a good thing for her that I can't afford another divorce!! Maybe if treat them mean, you really can keep them keen. It's working for her.

I Can See The Seaside Daddy

2010-05-22T19:27:00.006+01:00

Since the weather is remarkably good (that was one especially for MPLST who is missing out again, as she earns some pennies offshore), I decided the ideal way to pass the afternoon was to take all 3 kids to the beach.

Turned out ok, 26 degrees C as well. That has to be the highlight of a Scottish summer, and so early in the year too. I fear it can only go downhill from here. Even I am a tad burned on the shoulders - good job I lathered the kids in cream this morning. LL was looking a little red, but it's to be expected of one so fair I think.
On the downside, the pics I took are all too dark. Being a point and shoot photographer, even with MPLST's all signing toys, means that when someone goes in and plays with the settings I don't notice until I get home and look at the pics, which are all too dark. Nevertheless, I shall post a few for mum who won't see her boys for some time yet.

The only sour note of the day was listening to BB greet his wee heart out as we ascended an all mighty sand dune on the way back to the car. It was tough for him apparently. Dad wasn't overly sympathetic given I had LL on my shoulders, the change bag, a rucksack, the cool box and a bag of bloody toys too. Oh, and his sister and him had spend the hour previously venturing up and down said dune in the name of fun.

Bastards!

2010-05-12T20:09:00.002+01:00

No, not my kids. Since I've not seen them for ages, I'll opt for topical humour.

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?
'The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. .. Today you voted.'

You'd Think I'd Know Better

2010-04-26T20:44:00.004+01:00

This afternoon, BB's friend from nursery was coming for lunch and some play. That's all fine and well. But on Saturday afternoon, in a mad moment of weakness, I offered up my house/garden for all of BB's nursery friends whilst we were at one of their birthday parties. (Incidentally, didn't Saturday afternoons once revolve around football. How the hell did I find myself in Dizzy Rascal's for a couple of hours - and at this point in the season too?!?)

I suppose it could have been worse. There are only 6 of them in total, and only one didn't come. So, here I was at lunch time today faced with four 4 year olds and a 3 year old, not forgetting LL too. Not one of them batted an eyelid as their parents sneaked off out the back door. Oddly enough, none of the mother's took a backward glance either......

Nevertheless, crack into it we did. One wee lad has a gluten and dairy intolerance. So today, they all got rather boring pancakes made with gluten free floor and soya milk. It all seemed to work out. So far so good. They even managed to play in 4 different places at once, yet only bloodshed was from LL's nose as he took a tumble on the living room floor. At least I didn't hurt someone's little pride and joy.

No real harm done though. 3 hours laters, the mum's arrived to find their kids alive and kicking, and my afternoon passed rather quickly too.

Like the Fish

2010-04-19T18:37:00.003+01:00

Gutted!

I know we shouldn't be bothered, there are plenty people worse off than us and all that bollocks. But it's official, the holiday has been cancelled because those damn Icelander's are still burning our money to make big ash clouds.

BB has taken the news surprisingly well. After having both parents arrive home in consecutive weeks late, it's a bit more difficult explaining to him that the sky was "temporarily" fixed for mum to fly home on Sat morning, but now is broken again meaning we can't get away to the land of sunshine and swimming pools.

The downside, is that we so needed/wanted this holiday. MPLST's boss has been great and will let her carry over the leave until we can get a flight. The downside is that it'll cost us a fortune to go in the height of summer. On top of that, it'll be too toasty for my little while boy then too. If we leave it until autumn, he'll possibly see his 2nd birthday, meaning more spondoolas out of my pooch.
To rub salt into our wounds, Mother Nature kindly dumped a massive load of hailstones on us as we left the supermarket today after we decided that the fridge would need re-stocking as we are staying at home this week.

Being experienced North Sea Tigers, we'd quite happily be stranded somewhere else other than home, and abuse our plastic whilst the rest of the country gets into a flap. To be stuck here, just as the latest cold spell hits us is, well.......shite for want of a better word.

So, once the cameras are back working again....the pics will be of our rainy back garden, unless we can negotiate a seemingly unlikely last minute deal at the end of the week.....

I Got Tag Teamed

2010-04-15T21:50:00.002+01:00

Just bloody marvelous. I thought I'd heard it all after sitting through 5 day fog delays only for pilots not to fly having "run out" of flying hours whilst sat on their arses smoking tabs. I've missed the odd check in because of trains being cancelled with the old leaves on the line trick. Today, I had to explain as best I could to a 3 year old that the sky was broken, and the planes and helicopters can't fly on a broken sky now, can they. Bloody Icelanders.....if they're not swindling our cash, they're stealing our wife and mummy. Bastards!

All of which is neither here nor there really. BB is lucky I've not throttled him in the last 24hrs. It all started going pear shaped about 1am this morning.....

....that's when my bedroom door burst open. For the first time. For what it's worth, I was having a great kip to that point. In fact I thought it must have been time to get up. Apparently I'd been out for only an hour or so. We wee shite was all coy and giggly as he explained his PJ's were wet. Great, full bed change required. I had to dig his spare sheets out from under the stairs. Still, not tears, no drama and off we all went back to sleep. Well, he did at least.

Then I saw 2am.....and 3am....head full of utter crap really. Work?? WTF? Sex - it's pointless thinking of that at 3am even when MPLST is lying next to me, but when she's 100 miles out to sea??? Football. Anything really, I just couldn't get to sleep. Imagine my displeasure at 3:10am, just as I am finally managing to drop off, when the door bursts open again to the tune of "I need a poo daddy." A number of things went through my head at this point - The little shit needs a shit at 3 o fucking clock in the morning!! Well go to the toilet and bloody have one then - that's what my body language must have said, I of course was far more caring in my actual reply. I had the pleasure of waiting for 10 mins, waiting on the "I need wiped" call, listening to a vast array of straining and groaning noises, absolutely none of which would remove the turd in question from his little backside, whilst getting a running commentary of it's not coming out, why it wasn't coming out and that it was stuck in his bottom and it wasn't coming out. Did I tell you daddy that my poo won't come out.

Off to our own beds we trotted again, only for me to see 4am, then 5 am. In fact I think I emailed MPLST and told her I was getting the train to Aberdeen today, because the drive home would kill me. Finally, my head stopped spinning with utter nonsense, only for the door to explode open with the happiest little well rested boy declaring "Daddy, it's morning. We must get up. Get up Daddy. Get up Daddy. I said get up. We must get up." This at 5:45am.

I'm nothing if not fair. I withheld the temptation to go for the sarcastic retort. Instead putting on my best smiley dad face, and explained it was still night time and it was time to go back to bed. At this point, the two most stubborn heads in our house collided. The little drama prince threw himself to the ground declaring "No! I won't. I won't go back to bed, Daddy. Don't tell me" This is a voice of utter venom like I was the bugger who pushed Humpty Dumpty off the wall in a past life.

I did find the cure though. Once reason was out the window, I smacked his backside and sent him packing. Alas, he didn't venture out on the the landing until I was up and about which ended up being after 9. I should have done it earlier.

I got my comeuppance though. LL's nappy had not contained this mornings number twos which was smeared all over his leg, sheets an carpet.
At least they are teaming up with each other - even if it is against me!

Pressure, What Pressure?

2010-04-13T20:59:00.009+01:00

If for no other reason that to post a few pics of my loons, I must blog tonight. I've got sod all to talk about (but plenty to whinge about) - which will seem odd, as I'm sure this will be a long one.....

Her Ladyship has buggered off and left us again....for the second time in 3 days. Granted we knew about the first one, a long standing commitment to have a well earned weekend away on her bestest mates hen weekend. I couldn't really complain I suppose, since I've been abroad twice on similar weekends since the boys came along. In fact, I'm sure I had to ask permission for the first one when BB was a matter of weeks old. Great timing that was.

Had the boys been old enough to understand that dad is a truly grumpy sod when he comes off nightshift, they would surely have asked for a weekend at gran's instead. We did good though. I set about changing the drive belt on the mower with BB being my chief helper whilst LL was having a nap. You can see him checking if I had done a good job, before hogging the drivers seat, eager to go.

So far so good. Lots done by the time MPLST returned home. On Monday morning we set about going to the local tip with all out cuttings and weeds, only to arrive home and find out that MPLST's boss had called. It's never good when they call you on a Monday morning. An "emergency" trip offshore was requested. Bollocks! So, we saw her for all of a couple of hours before she buggered off and left us again. Simultaneously, I think that was all I had mentally prepared to fight in the tired stakes, so they have had the worst of grumpy dad for a day or so now.

Still, in the interests of keeping little boys happy, we drove to the "yellow park" in a village about 12 miles away today. This despite the fact there must be about 2 bloody dozen parks inside that radius closer to the damn house. But Tuesdays are for the yellow park apparently. Fridays are for the red, much more local one, it seems. The boys had a good time though. We stopped at Auntie K's on the way so I could get a much needed caffeine injection. Guess what's on in the corner of this room......

Tomorrow morning, BB is heading to his friends house and stopping for lunch. LL and I will head to toddlers, where, if there is any justice in the world, one of the yummy mummy's will have baked and will bring the results along, only for all the hip conscious ladies to refuse leaving lots of cake for fat boy here. Bring it on!

Before that though, I have to drag my sorry backside out of bed early with the kids to do the ironing I was supposed to be doing instead of farting around with this damn blog. I hope you appreciate the effort Arnie.

Two Sides to Every Story?

2010-04-06T00:24:00.001+01:00

MPLST has never really been great at keeping secrets. This trip (I'm almost home), she appears to have been a very busy lady. Hoping as she does to deceive me, she didn't really mention a lot of what she was up to. My rather perceptive male intuition told me that she was up to something though, and as the questions flowed, she spilled the beans.

For the last fortnight, she has been busy finishing off decorating the playroom. Admittedly, I left the said room in a bit of a state. Painting unfinished, sockets to move, Sky connection to move etc.
Being the clever cookie she is, she decided (for both of us) that the carpet needed replacing, and bought a floor. Not only has she laid the floor, she's done a pukka job.....skirting's off and back on. Door posts trimmed. She even laid the floor twice finding irritating imperfections in the middle that she knew would bug her, and so laid it properly a third time. Now she's on with "customising" some of the furniture - the mind boggles at the thought.

The one thing she can't do is electrics. But her cunning plan to have the whole thing finished involved trading her skills to do some painting at her brothers house, whilst he sorted the electrics at ours. Not a bad swap really.

I on the other hand, can't get home tomorrow as my relief is not coming out. I thought I'd stop here another day - just to give her time to finish it properly!

So, is it true that she will do absolutely anything to avoid doing housework? Or is she genuinely enjoying a bit of home improvement?
What will the impact on the boys be I wonder. BB sees his mother as a builder at the moment, whereas I am the man who comes home to do the ironing.....

Bloody iPhone

2010-03-15T19:32:00.003Z

We won't forget Mother's Day 2010 in a hurry.

All started off as you would expect. MPLST got up at late o clock, having had some extra sleep as I sorted breakfast for the loons. Come to think of it, that sounds like a pretty average weekend around here.....

Anyways, mum got up having received cards and a little gift from her boys. Granny Babs and Grandad Terry came to visit today too, so being Mother's Day, I did the roast (just for a change!) So far, so good. No real drama to report.

Once the lads were bedded down for the night and we got back downstairs, we got to organising our evening. MPLST had to make a phone call, once she'd finished that, she asked "So, what are our plans for the evening?"

An innocent enough question you might assume. I am prone to throwing the odd left field answer to such questions though. "Mmm, we could watch TV......or, as the kids are in bed, you could get your gums around my plums." I even informed her that I had changed into more comfortable bottoms thus making said plums "more accessible." Let's face it, we were in the relative safe environment of our own living room at this point, and if a boy doesn't ask, he definitely is not going to get. And that's before the kids even come into the equation!

The problem on this particular occasion was that on completing her telephone conversation, she accidentally and unknowingly, dialled her mother who, it appears, judging by the laughter on the other end of the phone, witnessed the whole thing whilst trying to get our attention.

A Man on a Mission

2010-03-13T20:31:00.002Z

Did Friday start off in a haze or what! We have now progressed to being able to cycle alongside each other, which meant that LL could hitch a lift in the trailer whilst I escorted BB to nursery this morning. Being a smidge overweight, and just ever so slightly less fit that I was a year or two back, I thought now was the time to cycle the couple of miles or so to toddlers with the wee man. I was like a buckled wheel by the time we arrived.

Still, a couple of miles each way can only be good. It will get me back into it I hope. BB and I strategically found a super hiding place for his home made Mother's Day card, before heading to the shops to get mum gifts for both MD and her birthday. I have to say that the boys did me proud today, we dundered around Aberdeen for a good 4 hours, the big one walked all the way without complaining once, and the little one only mumped when he was hungry. The hardest bit, as always, was choosing a gift for the girl who has everything........

Oddly, BB seemed to think the cemetry is a "nice place." Life through the eyes of a three year old can't be that bad I suppose.

We're All Going on a Summer Holiday

2010-03-11T20:33:00.003Z

Just like last time, we're not dead. Just overly occupied with everyday domestic crap and work. We have committed to sorting that out - but I swear I shall be able to copy and paste this line a dozen times this year.

The boys are well. I got home on Tuesday to find that the youngest can now reach bedroom door handles. Marvelous! That'll make the spontaneous filthy sex with his mother a complete non starter then.
Aye, it's his height that's knocked that on the head!

It seems that MPLST's effort at blogging whilst I was away lasted a measly one trip. She has reverted to type, as we all knew she would. Not sure what she has been doing in my absence though - she claims to be exhausted, yet she didn't finish painting the playroom and she openly admits the house has been in better shape. Lazy moo!

We have decided that all the talk we had about holidays abroad being unnecessary for families with young children was tosh. 3 nights on the web at work (first time I have done this unpaid ever!) and we booked a trip oversees. Fantastico!
I'm not too sure in our theory though. Both of us are always knackered, and we are planning a relaxing week in the sun with 2 kids under the age of four. I'll be sure to let you know how that works out.

Pics are of a little brotherly bonding moment the last time I was home during the TV time before bedtime.

Mummy's Boys

2010-01-27T19:34:00.004Z

Here's another article that made me laugh. http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/men/article7002116.ece

It explores whether or not British men are becoming like their Italian counterparts, that is overly molly cuddled by their mothers. Of course, I can't say with any certainty if there is any truth in this, but what I can say is that as a British man it was never going to happen to me.

According to the article, one quarter of British men can't use a washing machine or cook for themselves. I'm pretty sure that of those 25%, all must have had very British mothers. Not a single one of them had a Guyanese mother, that's for bloody sure.

You soon learn how to use a washing machine - especially if you want your best Friday night pulling jeans - when you fall out with a Guyanese mother as a teenager. And when a Guyanese woman says she is not doing your washing, she means the whole hog. You can't just get away with loading it in the machine and buggering off, hoping that it will reappear dried and ironed on your bed again. No such luck! You can't even get away with hanging it out and leaving it on the line, because if you don't bring it in, then it'll damn well stay there until the next rain gets it. And then she'll iron the remaining household pile and leave yours right there in the basket. If you think leaving it on your bedroom floor long enough will annoy her into doing it, you'd be mistaken too.

Maybe all this explains why Domestic Shaunie is quite so domesticated? The same rules applied equally to cleaning and cooking. Sometimes I wonder why I insisted on upsetting her so frequently?
MPLST seems to be reaping the benefits of all this character building behaviour......

In Touch With Your Feminine Side?

2010-01-24T00:07:00.001Z

So, whilst I've not had much to say on the daddy front, I have at least noticed that MPLST has finally taken the hint and is blogging almost daily. There's lots of good pics on her blog this month.

Meanwhile I have been working. The most amusing thing that has happened for almost a fortnight is that I went to the Bond (that's the shop on the platform) to buy some shower gel. I had done this last week, but we were awaiting a supply vessel, so I've been spinning my existing bottle out.

Knowing full well that a vessel had been and gone, I karted my fat arse all the way up tonight for an Areo, a Flake and a Turkish Delight (there's less fat in those apparently), so got myself a bottle of shower gel to. The bloke had to burst open the brand new package just for me.

WTF? Mango and Papaya shower gel? I can hardly see that catching on offshore. Apparently the mango is "nourishing & conditioning" and I should "let my skin drink" the papaya. It's going to give me "huggable, snuggable skin" too. The packaging advises me to "pamper" myself with this "exotically inspired fragrance."

Admin will smell like the perfume counter at Boots on Tuesday morning when we're all checked in to go home. I bet MPLST can't wait until I get home, so we can see which one of us smells the most feminine.

What's She Up To?

2010-01-20T00:07:00.002Z

I can only imagine that she's building up to leave me. Take a look at her blog.

A night out with "the girls" on Saturday, where she apparently had a glass or two of wine which meant she sleep through BB's howls? I know what distracts me from howling children - not that there's been much energy for any of that recently.

Then my mother in law stays for the afternoon to let her go to the cinema on her own.

Tonight, MPLST tells me that her mother has asked for the boys on Friday night too. Meanwhile MPLST has no plans - not even with "the girls" this week.

I smell a rat! But I can't afford another divorce.
I hope she's simply trying to keep me on my toes.
Note to self: Must try harder.

My Very Own Billy Elliot

2010-01-13T23:59:00.001Z

I'm getting it in the neck from all angles about the lack of blogging. I'm not quite sure why I've been struggling to find the time, as that was one the the quietest (not to mention most sober) New Years I've had since I was but a spotty pubescent teenager.

Some folks seem desperate for me to post pics of the kids. You'll just have to wait as I am back offshore. Unless MPLST sends me some downsized pics which I can post, you'll have to make do with my general rants against the world for the time being.

So to get you up to date on why I need matches to hold my eyes open, here's what you've missed.
Daddy made a unilateral decision to bin the "night time pants" (pull ups) and complete toilet training the old fashioned way - cold turkey! How very ironic in the run up to Chrimbo. BB did well, but for some reason, won't use the loo on his own at night, so it's disturbed sleep all round. On the bright side, he has now mastered it...so much so that I took him to the local toy shop where he picked his treat of choice.

We are (that should read I am really) using the threat of Santa returning to take away some cherished gifts if we do not behave properly. It's working a treat. Do you think it will still work come April, May or even June?

I'm also pleased to say that locally the nursery did not shut during the cold spell, and boyo was up and out in temps as low as minus 10. And we played outside in it. He still has 5 working digits on each hand.

Oh, and BB has also started dancing (yes, dancing. Not football, or archery or boxing) lessons. Either my darling wife has watched too much Strictly, or her childhood underachievements are now manifesting themselves in her parenting. The way I see it, you need balance to score goals like Archie Gemmil did against the Dutch in 1978. It will stand him in good stead.....

LL has taken the festive period in his stride. The only news on him is that he climbs and then he falls. He never learns though. He does it again, day after day.

SS came over after New Year. She is growing like a weed, but things are generally good between Fitba Face (her mother) and I for a change. Here's hoping that continues.

Never Mind Rage Against the Machine

2009-12-22T19:50:00.002Z

That's right. I haven't blogged in weeks, and when I do find the time, it's to have a go at my dear old mother! I'll set the scene -

I call home about half an hour after kiddy bed time. You know when someone answers the phone in that tone? The one when you can tell immediately that something just hasn't gone quite to plan. I detected it in my darling wife's voice. I couldn't possibly repeat what she said because a) my mother might read this, and b) that's the same mouth that is kissing my kids goodnight.

My mother you see, is obsessed with leaving a light on for the kids at night. Between my daughters mother, other grandmother and her, they have managed to create a fear of the dark that scares poor SS more than the Bogey Man himself. The boys though, they go to bed every night with the lights out and the door closed. Always have done - despite her best efforts to break the unbroken.

In fact, a week or two ago, I stayed at her house and noticed she was about to put BB's light on. You would think that "Don't you dare put that light on" was as clear a message as one can give. Simple. Understandable. Clear. Apparently not!

Now, we're not totally naive. We know that both our mothers ignore many of our wishes and generally spoil the kids rotten. Each has their grandparents wrapped right around their little finger. We have learned not to be stressed by this, we accept it even. Most of the time, at least. I've turned a blind eye to the sweets and cakes they get. Those are grandparents treats. But sleeping habits.........arrrrrrrrrrgh!

So, here comes the part where we are an ungrateful pair of moaning sods. Normally, she has an excuse. She might say, for instance, it's a strange house when we stay at hers, so she'll leave the light on. I'll say don't bother and she glares at me, but can't do it because I'm staying too. But this time.....this time she is staying at our house. MPLST has had to go away to work for a couple of nights. Excellent, granny swings her shifts and comes to look after the kids and take BB to nursery. Even better, they have the familiarity of their own bedrooms. What could be simpler?

Why then, has MPLST just spent an hour with a screaming boy who wants the light on, when he has managed every single night for almost 3 and a half years without one?

Tonight, she was right. My mother is indeed a fucking menace!

Doesn't Time Fly When You're Having Fun?

2009-11-23T10:22:00.005Z

I've been home almost a whole week - not sure where it's gone, but there have been several "firsts" this week.

On Thursday, MPLST was in the office, and had heard on Radio Fit Like that Bob The Builder was playing in town. There were tickets left, so I took the chance and treated the boys to an afternoon show. I was slightly apprehensive about the 1 year old, but it turns out he will sit and watch anything for longer than most 3 and 4 year olds.

On Friday, MPLST and I celebrated the 4th anniversary of our wedding but taking the kids (plus the biggest one) and leaving them at gran and grandad's whilst we treated ourselves to some much needed time together. Gran on the other hand, decided it would be good for all the cousins to play together, so had my brother kids over too. Nutter! That's two 1 year olds, a 3, 4 and 6 year old too. Mayhem......

We got back to them on Sat, and my brother and I took the eldest 3 to a fun house. BB struggles to keep up with the older two, but didn't seem phased. All three had a great time. On Saturday night, it was just the 3 to look after - a dawdle by comparison.

Another first on Sunday for BB was a trip to the flicks. Having noted that BB could sit and watch something without being a major pain in the arse, we decided to take SS and BB, leaving LL (and my mother who was nightshift last night) to get some rest. SS has been "hundreds of times" so it was old news for her. We watched a 3D cartoon, so I just hope he doesn't expect a nice pair of dark glasses every time he visits the cinema in future!

And there we have it. I'm already 25% of the way through my leave, and still haven't shaken the nightshift body clock - this was not helped by 3 kids sharing the room next to ours at my mother's house, and then BB turning up at 4.30 this morning to tell me he had "snot."

The next few weeks will see us prepare for Santa's arrival, and it has to be well organised, because daddy is away this year.

How Not to Endear Yourself to Your Mrs

2009-11-01T21:09:00.003Z

MPLST did indeed return on Friday - my absence from the world wide web has (rather unfortunately) not been because she has pinned me to the bed and has been making up for lost time. No such luck, we're just trying to squeeze in some family foursome time before I go back to work.

I didn't do myself any favours tonight though. We were returning from a shopping trip and a visit to Grandma's for the boys when, I got caught out by one of many floods on the way home. We aqua planed before blowing out one back tyre, and the rear bumper is hanging off. On the bright side, the lads slept through the whole, albeit brief, drama. I even managed to move the car 3 times to find a suitable place to jack it up, got the wheel changed and was home before either of them woke.

Now that we are all home and in one piece, we can of course laugh about the whole thing -ok, maybe a wry smile is as far as we'll go at the moment. So the car (her car!!) is a bit worse for wear. It definitely needs a new wheel and tyre. We'll assess the damage to the back end in the day light.

Safe to say though, that I don't think I'll be getting pinned to that bed any time soon......

Bad Cop Bad Cop

2009-10-28T20:44:00.006Z

MPLST was due to return home today. BB had been excited to get as far as one sleep to go on our way to nursery yesterday, so it was with great care I broached the subject of mummy being delayed for a few days. As I carefully explained that mummy needed to stay at work for a few extra days, and that it's ok to miss mummy, because daddy misses mummy too, he calmly said "Ok, daddy. I wanna watch TV" and ran into the living room with some expectation that his wish would be granted.

Hence, no blog yesterday as I was busy feeling sorry for myself. None of this was helped by your eldest (yes YOURS) being up 4 times in the night. However, I am pleased to report that he has taken on board some clear and concise instructions from daddy, and last night I got a whole 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Bizarrely, I'm still cream crackered though.

All we could muster today after nursery was to play in the garden. All rather uneventful - the highlights included LL standing at the end of the chute getting BB's left boot in the cheek as he arrived at the bottom. Unfortunately for LL, that was also the same cheek I (rather clumsily) caused him to bang against the wall as we left for nursery this morning. BB was also rather willing almost all of the time to "help" his brother down the chute with a gentle wee nudge at the top. See the pic below.

What I have noticed over the last few days is that all this full time dad nonsense that rendered the normally ever so assuring voice of daddy as useless. What I mean is that under normal circumstances, when I raise my voice, the kids generally stop, listen and then do what they are told. I suppose that only works when you are bad cop. So far this week, BB has laughed in my face when I boomed a lecture at him, and today when asked "BB, how many times have I told you not to do that?" I got a rather smiley "Three daddy" with the wave of 3 little fingers and a toothy smile. It may be in his interests that mum gets back on Friday at the absolute latest....

There's a Pond in the Park Daddy

2009-10-26T20:09:00.002Z

BB is getting excited, he's counting down the sleeps. Not so much counting, but getting visibly more upbeat as the number gets lower.

For the first time since I got home, it wasn't chucking down this morning. The troops were ready to fall out at 0830, and BB cycled his way to nursery for the first time. I can see me dropping the BF bit if I keep carrying LL and trying to keep up with Valentino Rossi.

So on the ball were we this morning, I was at the butcher by half nine. It's a brave man who does it, but since the wife was away, I gambled on a liver casserole for the boys tonight. She hates it. I don't mind it. It's good for them, so that was the reasoning. I thought BB would be hard work, and although I got him to help with the cooking, he really wasn't going to eat it. In fact, he described it as "yucky" whilst pulling a contorted face worthy of winning any gurning competition. LL on the other hand, couldn't get enough of it - finished all of his in double quick time, then most of his brothers. 2 portions of that in the freezer. Well done me!

Before that, we did find time to sneak in a visit to the park. It's still pretty much flooded in areas, which is unfortunate, as BB had wanted to wear wellies, and I talked him into wearing shoes. We were there about 5 mins by the time he had waded through a muckle dub and soaked his feet. Since we were only 5 mins from home, and he was already wet, I figured I'd let him go for it, and see if I could get a really cool pic, but he wouldn't play along. Besides, it was proving hard work just to keep his brother dry.

Stripped of all Testosterone?

2009-10-25T19:18:00.004Z

This single parenting malarkey thing is doing weird things. I can almost feel my penis shrink by the day, as both other men and woman question why I am left with the kids. I'm almost frightened to admit that I can do it any more. On one hand, I am making a rod for a the back of each and every man we know, as each ones missus berates him for not being able to have the kids for even a single weekend. On the other, I'm being further drawn into conversations with other mums about toddler groups and the associated politics. I really can't be arsed with all that.It got even worse today. In an effort to keep BB amused, we went to the park, but it rained on the way, so we baked some Mr Men cakes when we got home. Baking??? WTF? I don't mind cooking - cooking is manly. The best chefs are blokes. Maybe even the best bakers are - but they are all failed chefs, so that doesn't count. So far as I know, only Ainsley Harriot slipped through the net - the rest are men's men, are they not?.
It's not as though I've not tried to man it up a little this week. I've ignored the ironing. I've watched football Tues, Wed and Thurs, boxing on Fri, and football and boxing on Sat. On Sat, I even drank beer. But still I fear I'm only just short of having my man breasts fill up with milk.Anyways, BB enjoyed licking the bowls. I've not been able to get LL far enough away from me today to get a picture. He's fine though. We're looking after him.

Incy Wincy Spider

2009-10-24T20:31:00.004+01:00

Today we headed off to a friends 1st birthday party. I'm not in the habit of taking pictures of cakes - it's a very girlie thing to do (the only men you see taking pics of the cutting of the cake are the ones who are under the thumb!). On this occasion though, I know MPLST would admire it, and the blog is primarily for her this week.

BB started off ok, but then lost out in a scrap over a balloon that left him all grumpy. The spider cheered him up - but it's not just any old spider, it's Incy Wincy Spider. By the time we left, it was more of a black blob with legs though.

LL had a merry old time. He feasted like a king (as did BB), they watched a magician (well BB did - LL was more interested in the toys on the floor). BB brought that balloon sword home with him, but it's just a balloon, not a sword. I mysteriously lost the horn thing he is trying to show his brother how to use (I honestly did not intend this, I even stopped the car to look for it - but lets face it, an hour and a half of that in the car might have tipped me over the edge).

Sorry, pics were crap and blurred today, so that's the best you get.

Chugga Chugga Choo Choo

2009-10-22T20:42:00.002+01:00

Today's special treat for good boys was a trip on the train. BB was excited to be going on a train - that was until 5 mins before ours arrived, and a huge one went though the station at about 80 miles an hour. He then informed me he wanted to go on a slow train. He didn't like fast ones. All his constipation problems could have been cured in that instant.

BB just wanted to get back on the train - it wasn't that he didn't want to shop, he just wanted to be on a train. Matters took a turn for the worst when we parted company at the top of an escalator. After taking the lift up to the 2nd floor, he told me he wanted to go down the "stairs". As he wanted to hold my hand, I had to explain that because I had the pram, I would have to put that on first, hold it with one hand, and hold his hand with my other. Couldn't be easier I was thinking. I've done it loads. That was until he decided to miss his step, and fell on his backside, then scrambled backwards. So there we are, heading in opposite directions, hands outstretched like a moment from some Hollywood love story, him howling and me telling him it's ok. So here was my choice.....let the one strapped into his pram bounced down the escalator unaided and take a step back for the big one. Or, leave him to see if he would take the step before I got to the bottom.....

As I got to the bottom (you didn't really think I'd let LL bounce down, did you?), I'm trying to reassure him, whilst cursing this bloody pram that is preventing me get to him sooner. Meanwhile he is working himself into a frenzy. I'm pondering, do I leave LL here, take a quick run around to the up escalator? For a brief minute, I even considered sprinting back up the down one. There was no one on it - I know 20 years ago I had the pace to do it, but I quickly discarded the notion for fear of looking like Bambi on ice if I tripped. Fortunately, a bloke just picked him up and brought him down, so the drama was short lived.

In the end, I decided that I could make the earlier train home than I originally intended, but arrived at the station with 45 mins to kill. LL woke up hungry, and BB couldn't understand why none of the trains were his. Twas a joyous experience.

To make matters worse, I bumped into a few old faces who had crew changed and were on their way home. Not very North Sea Tigery to be sober at the train station with a couple of bambinos. The train home was harder work - no seats and a grumpy LL. Not too bad a day though.
They've been fed left overs from the fridge - and I can't find any of the takeaway menus. What the hell have you done with them? Trust you to tidy up the one thing I'd find useful......

Rainy Days

2009-10-21T20:01:00.002+01:00

Well, that's the first one over with. Let me tell you, he's not been laughing like that all day!

We were forced into spending the afternoon inside a) because is was pissing down and b) because dad's get up and go has got up and gone. Generally we are the type who work by the motto "there's no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothes" but today I just couldn't be bothered adding wet to tired. When I picked BB up from nursery and asked him what he did today, he told me they didn't play outside today. He got a strange look from the teacher, who obviously only does outside in August, and didn't seem to get his disappointment.

So this afternoon has been one spent playing, reading and as you can see watching the box. Check out the bed head on your little lad.

Just before bed, as I was doing the milk, there was a howl from the bottom of the stairs. When I asked BB what he had done to LL, he rather excitedly told me he had kicked him, and proceeded to demonstrate an action Bruce Lee would be proud of. He continued on this gleeful little fresh air kicking spree after he apologised to his brother, only to collapse like a Chelsea striker when he booted the metal rod that holds the worktop up by the freezer. And there endith the first lesson in what goes around comes around my son.

How Can You Tell That Your Wife Has Left You?

2009-10-20T18:10:00.002+01:00

You will recall that a fortnight ago I threw down a challenge to MPLST. All she had to do was write the odd blog, post the odd pic and I'd come home happy.

Two weeks later, and I received one little vidoe clip of LL moonwalking on demand, and a pic of BB on his first day of nursery. What a pitiful effort.

At the moment, we aren't seeing too much of each other. She left this morning and I came back this afternoon. I'm sure this wasn't how this job of hers was supposed to pan out. So, yet again, for a week or so, my blog will revert to a diary of events to keep her in touch. I refuse to be dragged down to her standards!!!

Perhaps one day, I'll get back to being angry with the rest of the world.

Over to You

2009-10-05T19:46:00.003+01:00

Not that I'm having a dig or anything.....but I thought I'd mention that it's over to MPLST now. In theory, that means that her blog should have lots of pics and updates as to what's going on. There's no excuse: it's holiday time, so she doesn't even have to rush off in the morning to playgroup. On top of that, like all good men, I made sure she came home to BOTH washing and ironing baskets empty. If only it could be like that on my return.......

Holidays were great. Boys were very well behaved and the family time was brilliant - even if playing scrabble at 8pm on a Saturday night is not quite my idea of perfect. (I can't gloat too much about that, we were pretty even overall - you can be sure I would have mentioned it sooner had I won the bragging rights.) Only downside to hols will toddlers is that we both need a holiday now to get over it - we're wrecked.

I had hoped to revert my blog to general moaning and whinging about anything in particular, but having just read what's happening at work, I doubt I'll have the chance. Maybes when I get back....

I Did It!

2009-10-01T10:38:00.003+01:00

All done and dusted. 10 days on my lonesome with the boys, and we still have two. Apart from the bleeding nose on day one, there wasn't even any further blood shed. How remarkably uneventful. Contrary to some of the questions hitting my inbox, they have not mysteriously disappeared, and neither have I for that matter.

Today marks BB's last day at playgroup. He will be off to nursery every morning after the tattie picking holidays. That's 5 whole mornings with just one boy to look after. What will we do with the time? Tidy the garden perhaps? Get out biking and shed the pounds? Who knows....I'll be sure to let you know though.

We're off on our first proper family holiday this soon. Nothing more adventurous than a couple of hours away from home, but a trip nonetheless. It will keep MPLST away from writing the report for the trip she did, and will keep me from washing cars and gardening, so our kids might actually have some time with mum and dad together.

Dr Bam Bam

2009-09-24T14:04:00.005+01:00

BB finally got around to wearing his doctor outfit that he got for his birthday today. It's aged 5-6 and hangs off him, because apparently dressing up is all about things being to big for you, says MPLST.

Turns out he's got potential. He put me in the recovery position 4 times, whilst only standing on my family allowance once. Even Dr BB couldn't bring Tinky Winky to life though. (And yes, if I could rally be arsed using photoshop, the glass in those doors would look clean!)

After that we ventured to the great outdoors and up to the Caterthuns.

BB walked up and down and knows that we're taking mum next time. Don't say you've not been warned.

Scatterbrain

2009-09-23T20:00:00.004+01:00

You really do get like those you live with.
This afternoon, we squeezed into the car with a friend and her daughter and went to St Andrews aquarium. Just as we got to the first display R squared got themselves down on to their tummies and pressed their faces up to the glass. Would have made a cracking pic, if only some dipstick had remembered to replace the memory card after blogging last night. Doh!

The big boy enjoyed the fish, and the seals. The journey down was amusing. LL crashed out - no surprise there. BB was desperate to sleep too, but the poor wee man was so keen to indulge the lovely Rachel in conversation that he couldn't. To be fair to young Rachel, she is the only person I know who can out talk the two generations that went before her, so he was really up against it today. On the bright side, he's fed, watered and sleeping before 8pm tonight.

The little boy was in the backpack, but I think he was more impressed with the lighting than the aquatic life on display.

On the way home, there was a terrible smell, and for a brief period, we thought that one of our passengers had had number twos. Turned out to be a false alarm, so we can only conclude that the smell actually was Dundee itself.

Speaking of keech though, the true highlight of the day happened on our return home. BB was taking his afternoon dump on his potty, and insisted that Rachel's mummy wipe his bottom. Well, who am I to argue? Rachel's mummy duly obliged, but what somewhat concerned at the sheer mass your boy had shifted - "That's more than I do in a week" said she with a look for utter disbelief.

He's still got it!

Krypton Factor Here We Come

2009-09-22T21:09:00.006+01:00

You'll be impressed with your eldest today. We took the car to the village and parked at this end, and he rode his bike all the way to playgroup from there. I even locked it up and did the same on the way home, so as far as he's concerned, he cycled to and from playgroup today.

We've had a battle of wills today - I think I'm coming second. He's been on the naughty step twice and you know how reluctantly I use that. In fact, just as I was putting him to bed and giving him the "you've been a little naughty today, you'll have to learn to do what daddy tells you tomorrow" lecture, he cut me off mid sentence to tell me I was his friend. Butter wouldn't melt I tell you.....

Anyhoos, this afternoon we ventured to a new play park on a recommendation from the yummiest mummy (now that you're on leave you understand) at toddlers. Turns out she'd been told it was good, but couldn't find it - I had more success. Here's a few pics of the loons-

There was an death slide too which I managed to take BB on. He went on it twice himself, but I had to run along side, so I wasn't able to get a decent pic. There's also a swing over the river too, but I didn't show him that you'll be glad to hear.

Cracked It?

2009-09-20T20:40:00.005+01:00

I'm back to being responsible for just the two weans again. I'm undecided if 3 is actually easier than 2 in many respects, since SS and BB keep each other amused most of the time making my life easier. That said, if I didn't have the stress of dealing with the SS's loony tune old dear, then it would pretty much have been a stress free weekend. Note to self: Pick an opportune moment 10 or so years from now and warn the boys about the dangers of big boobs and blond hair.

Sunday has been semi successful. We managed to go back to the village and have a cycle, this time stopping at the park because it was a nicer day. I found it harder to keep up with BB on foot today, and (rather consistently now) he fell off again when he spotted Maia. I don't think BB is worried about her dad being there because of the old "my dad's bigger than your's" thing, but I've explained that he's on his own if he gets her in any trouble! (I've also pointed out that she is very clearly blond)

BB couldn't possibly swing any higher. Oh, and I'm not doing a Babs on the kids. Then insisted on keeping their jackets on, despite the sunshine. Both of them now know that bright colours make you easier to spot when you're peddling. (I'll make proper bikers out of them yet!)

If there was any turmoil in my day, it was deciding when to eat and travel as I risked upsetting either small bellies, bed times or you know who. I opted to stuff the small bellies early, which worked a treat. The Domestic God in me created a Sunday roast all 4 of us enjoyed, and there's even 2 healthy portions in the freezer for LL.

BB had a spell playing with his take home gift from yesterdays party. He even tried to water his bean with it. I must have filled it about 20 times.

There'll be no pics tomorrow. Got a course, so boys off to MIL. Early start for Shaunie Boy.

2009-09-19T20:40:00.003+01:00

Domestic Shaunie came to the fore this morning. All my chores were done, and the kids managed a cycle around the village with LL in the backpack. Now that I've straightened out most of the crap that someone very very far away left me, things are in better shape around here.

That left LL plenty time for a kip before a 2nd birthday party this afternoon. Just what the stay at home dad needs - lots of mums gloating and trotting out the all too predictable "now you'll see how hard it is for us" line. Honestly, I think some of them are hoping that this all goes horribly pear shaped just to show that a man can't possibly do it. I've been stewing on some of this, but I'll leave that rant for another day.....

I didn't take the camera to the party, which is a shame because BB looks strangely similar to Mr Bean on speed when he's on a trampoline. I did take a pic of the kids before we left though, all sporting their Friday night pulling gear. A typical family portrait I suspect - point the camera at the baby and he cries. Middle one is soooo excited he can't hide it. Oldest one has that kind of glaikit fake smile going on. I can't get a decent pic of her at the mo.

Friday - The New Monday?

2009-09-19T11:10:00.003+01:00

No end of week pick me up for Shaunie Boy this week. A morning which consisted of listening to a gaggle of auld hens convincing themselves that motherhood is such a travesty, before heading off on a 2 hour round trip to pick up SS that wasn't made any easier with a diversion that takes out half of Dundee on the way back. Handy at tea time!

A few things stuck out though. Apart from the new mantra of "Why daddy, why? Why? Why? Why? Why daddy? Why?........." we also have a new one. "To the rescue" repeated non stop for as long as he loses the curious feeling. Actually, it's more "Tooooo de yeaaaaaaahscoooooooooooo" - he's not cracked R's yet. Kind of unfortunate given his name.

So, the highlight of my Friday was a) having 3 kids that eat the meal I cooked and b) a trip to Somerfield where I could buy fruit Clubs and my very own selection of fruit and nut biscuits.

The wonder of my self induced high was compounded when MPLST let me know that she can't get to where she's going until Monday, and so is "taking it easy" in a hotel room all weekend. My heart bleeds.

Ip Dip You're It

2009-09-17T10:51:00.005+01:00

She really has gone and done it. As I write now, MPLST is probably somewhere over the Med en route to deepest darkest Africa. The client has assured her that it is perfectly safe to travel - things have apparently calmed down to normal but the dust til dawn curfew remains in place. How comforting.

So, from today, until next weekend, it will be my job to post a daily blog for her benefit. Note to wife: I intend doing a better job than you did through my last trip! There should be plenty pics of the boys, though obviously not up to Her Ladyship's standard of photography. Got to go....there is the distinct aroma of keech close by, and for once I can't blame the wife.

Back again, the calmness has descended. Almost time to give a progress report for day 1 before I crash and burn. For those that want to know, I got a text saying MPLST had arrived safe and sound.

LL has, as we thought he would, adjusted just fine to not having mum around. The wee shite didn't want anything to do with me for my first couple of days home, but we're best mates again. I failed the first daddy test tonight though - the poor wee soul fell off the sofa and bust his nose this evening - I should have seen this coming when I donned a white top this morning! At least I'm consistent - BB fell off the couch the first time we were home alone too.

BB and I managed to go and play hide and seek amongst the bales of hay this afternoon.

The cake at the top is MPLST's latest effort - BB is very pleased to be 3.

The weekend promises to be eventful. I pick up SS from school tomorrow afternoon.

Can't wait!

Wrong Wrong Wrong!

2009-09-01T00:58:00.001+01:00

That little headline is live on the web as I write.

How many different ways can a watch show them time?
And how many different ways are there to derived sexual pleasure?

Surely the 10 and the 50 should be with the other subject matter?

Have I become a social anorak?

2009-08-30T23:51:00.002+01:00

A recent article in the Independent (http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/news/is-it-a-diary-is-it-an-ad-no-its-a-mummy-blog-1776163.html) hints that MPLST, and myself to a degree, may be bored or even worse, slightly boring. At the risk of alienating huge sections of my army of readers, I really mean it when I say if you don't like my blog, don't bloody read it!

I'm going to get all defensive now and make excuses for forcing my ramblings on the world at large.

I mentioned once that I don't do social networking sites. I don't want to share my life with everyone who knows me, or once knew me even. I have nothing against these sites if that's your cup of tea, they're not all bad. In the last month or so I have even logged on to my wife's Facebook account so that I can view family pictures in other parts of the world (and witnessed some quality bitching too Sharah!) That's about all it's good for though in my humble opinion. It seems I don't mind sharing my life with the whole world by stealth though - and that is the difference.

MPLST and I blog for different reasons I think. I started blogging because it once was a way of passing away long nightshifts at work which involved using the internet and NOT spending money at the same time. I blether about things in general that MPLST and I don't always find time to blether about. I rant because I can, and the blog gives friends and family the chance to keep up with the boys/us if they really want to.

MPLST, on the other hand, blogs partly by way of keeping a diary of milestones and events because that's what she does. If she had time, I'm sure she'd still write a diary every day. But her blog also keeps me more connected to what's going on at home. The fact she can combine it with her passion for photography means I get to see appreciate her efforts when I'm at work, and she can do something she enjoys at the same time.

I don't have a desire to attract consumer freebies - though I can't promise the wife won't try for some after reading that article! (She does love a good freebie). I never even knew there were forums for this apparent "burgeoning community!" I certainly don't think I'm the wittiest man alive - if I was, I wouldn't have a 360 degree view of the horizon 14 days every month.

I think I know most of the people who read my blog, they even admit to enjoying it and often mention it when we talk - and so I'll keep writing it. Boring or not! Auntie Pops for example, doesn't yet have the child bearing hips she'd like to (fine pins though ;-) I find the occasional compliment to ones most avid reader maintains their interest) yet. She is clucking like an auld hen though and I think secretly just wants to know what's life is really going to be like after her wedding. Other readers are just interested in the boys from a distance. I'm sure because they can read from work also encourages their interest. Let's face it, web surfing is much more fun when you are being paid to do it.

But really, as a modern domesticated dad, I acknowledge that I don't have the time I once did for lifes other pleasures. Football and golf take up a disproportionate amount of time. My kids are too young to come biking with me. MPLST and I used to travel, but it's hardly practical dragging young kids around the globe. So I find myself either working or doing the daddy thing. Let's face it, oilrigs are pretty boring, so I blether about the other thing. MPLST and I have even noted that our conversation these days revolves around work or kids. Must try harder!

My own rather IT phobic mother says my blog is a lot of nonsense - such a typically Guyanese response (even if it is right). My MIL likes to keep up with the lads and us too, because despite what you may think, we talk about other things when we see her.

That explains the lack of MIL jokes and sordid sex stories too then!

Happy Birthday Wee Man

2009-08-29T00:25:00.002+01:00

I can literally remember what I was doing this time a year ago. That's because LL was born at 2.57am, and I distinctly remember the events of the preceding few hours. I won't elaborate in case it puts the more squeamish fathers to be off the whole childbirth thing....

LL obviously won't miss me any more that he would (or wouldn't as the case may be) any other day. MPLST will be at her domestic best today though as she gets the house ship shape for the annual mother in law inspection! Think Maree from Everybody Loves Raymond.

The daddy in me should be more gutted about missing the 1st birthday milestone, but I've come to realise that it won't matter for another couple of years. BB is getting excited about his for the first time - it's his 3rd in two weeks. I still wish I was home though.

Aside from birthdays, I'm told that the combine harvester has been in the field next to our house today. Now THAT, I wish I was home for - and not just to share with BB.

Boys will be boys.

Last Day Blues

2009-08-24T18:06:00.005+01:00

That's it! Well, almost. I'm back to work tomorrow, and that extra week I offered my services for now seems like a really stupid thing to have done. Next week LL will be one - let's see if anyone saves me some cake!

MPLST has only been back at work for 3 days - when I get home to being full time daddy, I have a feeling I'll be totally shattered after week 1. Speaking of which MPLST isn't holding back on the work front - 2 days after I get back she's sodding off to Gabon for a week. Oh the joys.

On the bright side, LL and I had some rare QT this morning when BB was at playgroup. It struck me that the two of us have had very little one on one time, which explains to some degree why he's much more of a mummy's boy that his elder brother. Not to mention we've still not had the blood test to establish that he's definitely mine.

As promised, I even managed a pic to let mum see what we've been up to. A bit of peek a boo this morning -

And later, BB showing off his prized broad bean plant which has been drowned at every opportunity. Doesn't it show!

One in a Million

2009-08-23T20:00:00.003+01:00

As most parents will know, it is frustrating as hell when a tantrum comes for no apparent reason. It's equally frustrating that you know the said tantrum may last a couple of hours despite your efforts to stop it. And then, when they finally do snap out of it, it's like it never happened and you wonder quite what all the fuss was about.

BB, like the average 2 year old, can be a serious pain in the arse when he want to be. When it suits him, he has the mood swings of a pre menstrual woman (though admittedly he's easier to figure out).

He always, no matter what, snaps out of them at bed time. There is something about the bed routine of bath, milk, brushing teeth, story, kiss and cuddle that makes him as happy as can be. I wish I could bottle it and sell it, because not 10 minutes earlier tonight, he almost went into one - but as it always does, bedtime has been the cure. It's a pretty good feeling when he grabs me behind the ears and pulls me in for his equivalent of a bear hug. At no other point in any day, be it Xmas or birthday or after bribery of the highest order to I get a bozie that measures up to the last one of the day.

Despite all that, the tantrums seem to becoming less as we come to understand each other more. Now I just need to figure out his mother....

Give Me Strength

2009-08-21T13:45:00.003+01:00

MPLST was at a toddler group committee meeting the other night. On her return, I asked (because I am interested in these things!) what was discussed. Answer: not a lot, but cleaning of the toys came up again.

Well you can count me out of that says I! I'm of the opinion that germs help develop healthy immune systems - within reason of course. It's not like these toys are filthy, in fact they are kept pretty damn clean - probably cleaner than the toys in my living room.

How wrong was I? This morning, whilst enjoying a cup of coffee, I was handed a pack of Flash wipes. Turns out, all the toys were getting cleaned during this session. Why is it that people need a sterile environment for kids to play in these days? So, rather than moan like the grumpy old man I really am, I played along for a little while before ignoring everyone and drinking more coffee. After all, my other half is at work - if you can't go to "mother" and toddlers and drink coffee, when else can you do it?

But it got worse. I had thought that this was just the annual declaration of war on the bugs that infest all the toys we let our kids play with, prompted by a local mum who is never without her supply of anti bacterial handwipes. But no - it's partially at least down to the dreaded Swine Flu. I heard someone saying that the soft toys couldn't be cleaned with the wipes, and so no one was to play with them until further notice. This because it was apparently along the lines of guidance that local nurseries have been given. I wanted to scream NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I think when (rather than if) the pigs get there own back for all the bacon butties we've consumed in these parts, the poor buggers who get it first will be treated like Lepers by the local community.

Isn't it....

2009-08-20T13:47:00.003+01:00

....about time she brought home a wage??

MPLST returned to work this morning. I find myself easing myself back into the role of chief cook and bottle washer, as I only have 3 days of this on my own before I go back to work. I expect it will be a bit harder on my return but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I also expect I should post the odd pic of the boys on the blog given that's how I get to keep up when I'm not here. I don't quite have the eye she does, and I certainly can't be hooped with all the editing that she does, but I'll make some effort occasionally. Otherwise I'll do what I do best - the boring practical stuff.

Whilst I'm here, I'll share an amusing conversation between BB and mum yesterday morning. It went something like this:

Note: BB was in full morning glory as he was taking his PJ's off.

BB (smiling the innocent smile of a 2 year old boy): My willy is big Mummy.

Mum: Is it really?

BB: I like it when my willy is big.

Not really much you can say to that, is there?

Careful What You Wish For

2009-07-17T21:22:00.003+01:00

Those are Lesley Ash's. We now have a set just like that at home - they look even more bizarre on a 2 year old.

Yesterday, as you will recall I was carefree and cavalier regarding just how bumped and bruised my little boys should get. In fact, I think I uttered something very close to "If our boys reach 18 and have never had a trip to A&E, I'll be extremely disappointed because they won't have had a proper childhood" to my better half. If you've not worked it out already, this came back to bite me on the arse today.

BB landed face first today after the most spectacular fall from a toddlers ride on toy (thankfully not his new bike, as I can't afford another divorce!) He managed to give himself quite a nasty gash on his top lip, and managed to bleed over several people. Note to self: don't wear nice new tee shirt to mother and toddlers in the misguided hope of new yummy mummies coming along! It required a trip to the hospital, where my brave little soldier let the nurse cut of the remaining flaps of skin from inside his top lip. I swear I could sense his mother drilling the "I told you so" through the back of my thick skull.

To make matters worse, later this afternoon he has fallen down some stairs, fallen out of the (stationary) car and tripped on some gravel. I'm awaiting a call from social services any minute.

It's Just a Period We're Going Through?

2009-07-16T22:59:00.005+01:00

Being a child of the 80's, I was never one for protective helmets when riding your push bike. It was all rather gay to be honest. I recall, not too long ago mocking a good friend of mine for using one on his morning cycle along the beach front. But of course, as a product of the 80's I was able to ride my bike on the road, use hand signals and even venture out of my mother's direct line of sight for an afternoon and yet I never did die on my bike.

That said, I'm always prepared to live and learn. I later graduated onto proper bikes with engines. Rather unfortunately, I had an accident which resulted in a cyclist (who needless to say wasn't wearing a helmet either) suffering serious head injuries. Aside from being in the wrong place at the wrong time, the poor bugger didn't do much wrong. Lesson learned on my part.

Alas, since then I have worn head gear. As a responsible parent, I also insist the kids wear them too. But today MPLST took it too far. She was talking about elbow pads, knee pads and gloves for BB. Jesus Christ woman, he's going to ride a bike on the road, not down Ben Nevis. It's a push bike for heavens sake. I swear I wouldn't have been surprised if she'd found a use for a bloody fanny pad as well!

Proper boys should have bumps, grazes, bruises and the odd gash otherwise they are not being proper boys. Headgear is reasonable. Even gloves (all bikers know that the first thing that gets damaged when you far off is your mitts). But full body armour is taking it too far.

A Game of Two Halves

2009-07-16T22:39:00.002+01:00

It's SS's birthday today. Yet another one that has slipped by where I have not managed to talk to her - never mind see her. I could go on and on, but what's the point?

On the other hand, we made BB as happy as can be today by caving in an buying him his well earned bike. I can only imagine that tomorrow will bring an even higher level of elation as I built it after he went to bed tonight. Come to think of it, I'm sure some shrink somewhere might read a lot in to me buying on of my lads a nice gift on my daughters birthday. Hey ho.

I Want to Ride My Bicycle

2009-07-13T22:11:00.003+01:00

Firstly, I shall apologise for sounding like one of those "my son is better than yours" dads. I really really can't stand people bragging about what their kids achievements and expecting everyone else to follow suit. Only last week, some mum was telling me that I should get our youngest on the potty because her boy is using it at 13 months. Well, whoop-dee-fucking-doo and good for you misses, but no thanks.

It's not going to stop me this time though. Today, 2 months short of his 3rd birthday, BB rode his bike (well, actually his sisters) without any stabilisers. You might remember the post I wrote about the Likeabike (there's still a link), well it's turned out to be a great buy. Boyo has sussed balance and, with the exception of trying bikes in shops, has never used stabilisers at all.

Poor bugger is determined to get a bike of his own, and so is busy proving "I am good at it Daddy!" His feat was made even more impressive as the conjunctivitis has returned, and he could hardly see where was was going.

Having taught two kids who did it different ways, I can only urge everyone to bin the stabilisers. You can buy similar bikes cheaper than those on the link. All I know is BB did in 20 mins today what it took me 3/4 1 hour sessions with his almost 5 year old sister to achieve.

Here's another top tip. It might seem obvious. Don't try running alongside your child on a bike the same day you get back from a music festival. It's seriously tiring!

Note to Self

2009-06-30T00:06:00.001+01:00

Who'd ever have thought me of all people would become a workaholic? I can assure you, not anyone who has had the misfortune to be described as a colleague, that's for sure. Don't get me wrong, I have always taken a certain pride in my work, but up until now it's always been more about quality than quantity.

But this new job (it's not so new any more) has got me rushed of my feet, and I'm a bit disappointed to admit that I actually like it. Prefer it even. Job satisfaction - I thought it was just another meaningless phrase.

So, why am I banging on about work on my daddy blog. Well, this trip I have got sucked deeper and deeper in to the job. So much so that I made two unforgivable mistakes. Firstly, I started making plans to do some office work when MPLST and I already have plans next week. Secondly, I offered my services to my former boss as he needs bodies to complete some work in September - only to realise that by doing so, I was missing one of the boys birthday. What a right plonker.

Both have been fixed, and I shall be spending the required time at home with wife and kids, instead of kissing arse and progressing my career (I had a job only 8 months ago - now I've got a bloody career!?!)

It's a shame that the Mrs had to point it out though.

Must try harder.

Here We Go Again

2009-06-20T23:56:00.001+01:00

It's coming up to that time again. MPLST is about to return to work, leaving me, quite literally, holding the baby.

It's not all that bad though. Here's the script. She was supposed to go back in a few months, but a gift horse came a looking her in the mouth. Part time work, around my shifts on a decent wage - hence she's returning slightly earlier than planned - offers like that don't come every day. I guess it's the perfect scenario for a returning to work mum.

Who benefits? BB and LL, because for the most part, they'll have either mum or dad at home, so they won't be dependant on a third party carer. Who suffers? Mum and dad! Mum will do 2 weeks child care, followed by 2 weeks work, with a day off per week roughly. Then another 2 weeks childcare, before working for 4 weeks with a day off again per week. Tiring stuff. Dad will do 2 weeks work, followed by 2 weeks childcare. Then he'll come back to work for a rest, and gee himself up for another 4 weeks of domestic bliss as chief cook and bottle washer. I foresee much sleepiness from the adults in the months ahead.

Obviously, it's not for everyone. Most of the guys at work struggle to get their heads around it. In fact, one of the lads, about my age, with 2 young kids is in the same boat. His wife is returning to work, but one day per week. He's insisted it's a Wednesday because his mother is off then, and he doesn't want childcare interfering with golf.

Twat!